General Program Technical Notes

Use this information at your own risk.

• Dave's Law (by me, AD7DB). All computer problems are due to one of the following: Software Error; Data Error; Hardware Error; Human Error.
• Nearly any error message there is may be checked over at Phil's Error Database at www.errorfixes.com. And if you know the fix for any similar errors, or even a common error that has no fix, you can add it to the database yourself!
• The really basic stuff. Clean the CD. Even brand new CDs may need cleaning. I have seen factory-sealed CDs with smudges on them. Clean the CD anyway and it may clear the problem right up.
• "All my other programs run fine." Irrelevant. Every program is different. Some may have certain features in common, like the program engine, Quicktime, video or sound engines, but the programs themselves differ. Errors occurring on one may not necessary occur on another, and usually don't.
  • Think about it. If your car breaks down at the side of the freeway, does it matter that all the other cars are running fine??
• "My computer is brand new." Guess again. No brand new computer is ever up-to-date out of the box. In Windows 95/98/ME whatever, click on "Windows Update" and see what a surprise you get.
• "My computer is only a year old, so I don't need any updates." Incorrect. Most manufacturers update their sound and video drivers on a regular basis, sometimes every 6 months or so. Check at your computer manufacturer's website for updates if it's a name brand computer like Dell, Compaq, HP, Gateway, IBM, and so on. If it's a no-name brand, then check at the websites for the video and sound card makers. Most reputable companies have websites with the updates, it's the cheapest way to distribute them. Creative's Sound Blaster is one such quality site.
• I'm getting some kind of fault in module unknown at 0000: followed by other numbers." We'll cut right to the chase here. This error is always video related. Check to make sure you're in the proper video mode for the program. You may need to update the video driver. It may even be necessary to lower the graphics acceleration, but that's a drastic step.
• "I'm getting a page fault or something starting at 0001: and some other numbers." This is also video related, see the above.
• "I'm getting a page fault at 0137:bff9dba7." This error may vary somewhat, the first four digits are irrelevant, but the ones after the colon starting with bff9 give it away. Such errors are video related. It's having trouble with the graphics acceleration. Often this is just happening in Quicktime. Edit the qtw.ini file, and look in there for any lines starting with "Optimize="; it may say "Optimize=Driver" or "Optimize=Hardware." Change such lines to read "Optimize=BMP", or if that doesn't help, "Optimize=RAW". Save the file and just try the program again.
• "I'm getting 'referenced memory' errors." This is often midi related. Check your midi settings and your sound card drivers. Test the "Mplayer" program and see if it can play Wav and Midi files.

WindowsXP sound video hardware printer quicktime macintosh dlcs fisher jurassic kaplan jsbaby jstyping sabrina teletubbies vclass

• Be right in front of the computer.
• If the error is on screen, keep it there, but write it down. If there is a Details button, click it and write down what it says there.
• Otherwise, have the computer on and at the desktop ready to start the program if requested.
• Be ready to tell the tech precisely where the problem occurs in the program and what happens.
• Information you should have about your system before calling:
  • Brand and model of the computer
  • Operating system (Windows ME, Win98, Win95, etc)
  • Amount of RAM (memory). This is NOT hard drive space.
  • Type and speed of processor (Pentium 90, Celeron 500 MHz, etc)
  • Brand and model of sound card.
  • Brand and model of video card.
  • How old the system is.
  • Do any other programs have any problem similar to this. (If all your other programs work fine, it doesn't prove anything one way or another; but if more than one program does this, it can be very helpful to know.)

But, somebody upstairs in the Big Black Tower decided that free 800-number support would boost sales. It did. It also quadrupled the volume of incoming calls at the call center. Most of the new callers were people that were too stupid to read a manual. The 800-number made it too easy and no cost at all to call. (They should have buried the 800 number in the manual rather than print it right on the back.) Most of the calls coming in after that were from people without a clue to anything at all. Having a toll number screened out these calls so the truly needy could get real help. Ever since then it's been just bonehead callers with a few genuine puzzlers thrown in.

Does the cost of the 800 numbers and the degradation of service level justify it in terms of increased sales of the product? I can tell you from my own considered viewpoint: it does not.

I am apparently not the only one who thinks so. And that is why most software publishers do not have toll-free technical support, or they now charge by the hour for it.

• "I can't install it." (It's installed, they're having a problem running it.)
• "I can't run it." (It's probably not even installed yet.)
• "I'm trying to download it." (They mean install it.)
• "I'm trying to program it into my computer." (They mean install it.)
• "I have installed the program." (He's put the CD in the drive and closed the door and done nothing else.)
• "I can't upload it." (In this case they mean download, from a website.)
• Screen saver. (They mean the desktop.)
• Main Menu. (They mean the desktop.)
• Mainframe. (This customer actually meant the desktop!)
• Central key. (They mean the Ctrl key.)
• Computer power switch. (They mean the monitor power switch.)
• Hard drive. (They mean the whole main system cabinet.)
• The Disk. (They mean the CD, usually.)
• "I'm logging onto the Internet." (They're going onto AOL, and may or may not get onto the real Internet this session. Most AOL'ers think the Internet is one big extension of AOL. It gets more like that every day, too.)
• "I'm going into the Web." (That's all most people think the Internet means.)
• "All my other programs work fine." (They don't have any others, or, some or all of their other programs don't work either. They're just trying to get somebody to work on the problem, fixable or not.)
• "I don't know what version of Windows I have." (They've never restarted the system in order to see what it says in large letters all over their screen when it starts up.)
• "I already tried that." (They didn't.)
• "I tried everything there is to try to fix it." (They haven't tried one single thing yet.)
• "I am a Computer Expert." (Variations: they quote how many college degrees they have, or claim they are a Certified Computer Professional, etc. The more they try to brag, the less they really are. They inevitably prove they don't know a single thing they're talking about!)
• "I am the System Administrator." (He's the only person at the school who knows anything about computers.)
• "The CD has no scratches on it." (The CD has no more scratches than any of their other CDs that don't work; or, they can't see the scratches beneath all the fingerprints.)
• "We only use Macintosh systems here." (Somebody else did the buying, they had no say.)
• "This computer was given to us." (The other party got the best end of the deal.)
• "I don't see why these procedures are necessary." (It all means Greek to them.)
• "Will this have any effect on the rest of my system?" (My husband will kill me if his Unreal game stops working.)
• "I want to install it so that the kids don't have to put in the CD." (I want to buy one copy and install it illegally on all the computers in the school district.)
• "I installed this program and it crashed my system." (I crashed the system and grabbed this software so I could have somebody to blame it on.)
• "I bought the software a year ago and didn't open it up to try it until today, and the CD won't work because it has a big scratch on it." (The kids have been playing air-hockey with it ever since they got bored with the program 11 months ago.)
• "I have 5 gigabytes of memory." (They do not know the difference between a hard drive and RAM.)
• Totally amazing technical terms from actual customers:
  • ESS 1868 control interference. (I think they meant 'interface.')
  • Gameport jackstick. Sometimes it's a gameport jackpot.
  • Visual memory. (Most of us call it virtual memory.)
  • Vertical memory. (Same.)
  • 32 bite. (Why do they always say bite when the word is clearly spelled 'bit'??)
  • System is configured for optional performance. (I'd go for optimal, myself.)
  • Hugh Packer computer. (Must give HP a run for their money.)
  • Dale computer. (This one seems to be very popular in the Southern U.S.)
  • Aerobic Reader. (Yes, they thought Adobe's 'Acrobat' Reader was 'Aerobic.')

Copyright © 1997-2000 David G. Bartholomew, AD7DB.

Disclaimer: The contents of these pages do not necessarily reflect the opinions of my Internet provider, my page host (QSL.net), my employer, nor anyone else.

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