TID-BITS

CURRENT ESSAY

THE GREEN THING

　
> > In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she
> >
> > Should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for
> >
> > The environment.
> >
> > The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the
> >
> > Green-thing back in my day."
> >
> > The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation
> >
> > Did not care enough to save our environment."
> >
> > He was right, that generation didn't have the green-thing in its day.
> >
> > Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer
> >
> > Bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to
> >
> > Be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles
> >
> > Over and over. So they really were recycled.
> >
> > But they didn't have the green-thing back in that customer's day.
> >
> > In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an
> >
> > Escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the
> >
> > Grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time
> >
> > They had to go two blocks.
> >
> > But she was right. They didn't have the green-thing in her day.
> >
> > Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the
> >
> > Throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an
> >
> > Energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - wind
> >
> > And solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down
> >
> > Clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
> >
> > But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green-thing back in
> >
> > Her day.
> >
> > Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every
> >
> > Room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a hankerchief, not a
> >
> > Screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended
> >
> > And stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do
> >
> > Everything for you.
> >
> > When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a
> >
> > Wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble Wrap.
> >
> > Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut
> >
> > The lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They
> >
> > Exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run
> >
> > On treadmills that operate on electricity.
> >
> > But she's right, they didn't have the green-thing back then.
> >
> > They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a
> >
> > Cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They
> >
> > Refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and
> >
> > They replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the
> >
> > Whole razor just because the blade got dull.
> >
> > But they didn't have the green-thing back then.
> >
> > Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes
> >
> > To school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a
> >
> > 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not
> >
> > An entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't
> >
> > Need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites
> >
> > 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
> >
> > But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old
> >
> > Folks were just because they didn't have the green-thing back then?
>

An older couplewas attending church services.

																																 About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

																																 It read, "I just let out a silent fart. 

																																 What do you think I should do?" 

																																 He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND,

THAT’S WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK

OIL

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in:

ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
And
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC

DONATED BY ROGER

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one--

DON'T YA JUST LOVE IT?

An old country Preacher

An old country preacher......had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..

1. A Bible... ..?

2. A silver dollar.....?

3. A bottle of whisky.....?

4. And a Playboy magazine.....?

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for Congress.'

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught

me.. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer

rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.

Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Remember that I will always share my spoon with you!

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves. R. BRETT

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so,

I took her to a gas station..... and that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And that's when the fight started.....

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....

***********************************************************************

The last thing I wanted was trouble this morning when I stated to go to Wal-Mart .

But then I rear-ended a car.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then just which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

SIGNS

Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs

If Crusoe had kept

his chin more tidy,

He might have found

a lady Friday".

BURMA SHAVE

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

Remember these?

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and '40s. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.? They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet...... and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are more of the actual signs:

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH

WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

Don't stick your elbow
Out so far
It may go home
In another car.
BURMA SHAVE

And my all time favorite:

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

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