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City Slicker
Once a rude city slicker came to the ranch to buy a horse. "I don't trust you", he said. "I insist
on trying out this horse before I buy it". With that, he mounted the horse and yelled
"Giddy-yup". The horse did not move. "This horse is no good, he will not go" said the rude
man.  "I am a religious man", I said. "My horses are trained to obey religious commands. If you
want this horse to go forward quickly, you must say "Thank you Jesus!". And if you want him
to stop, do not say "Whoa", you must say: "Praise the Lord". With these instructions, the rude
man yelled: "Thank you Jesus" and the horse bolted forward and away he galloped.
Clippity-clop, clippity-clop, as fast as he could go... straight toward a bottomless canyon.
Seeing the edge of this chasm coming ever closer, the rude man yelled "Whoa!"...but the
horse continued to gallop forward...."Whoa!" again cried the man, but the horse continued
galloping forward. At last the man remembered the command to stop the horse, and he
screamed "Praise the Lord!".  The horse came to a screeching halt just inches from the edge
of this bottomless canyon.  The man wiped the sweat from his brow, rolled his eyes toward
Heaven, and at the top of his voice screamed:
                           "oh THANK YOU, JESUS!"
 Ed


Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate
demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his
young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract,"
snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer.  "I mean your wife
isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect
exclusive drillin' rights!


Kids can be Funny.gif
A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave
           each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them
 come up with the rest.
Apple.gif
As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
              Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
                Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
            It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
             You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
               Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
                A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
              You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
           If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
               The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
               An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
             Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
             Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
                A penny saved is........................................not much.
             Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
          Laugh and thewhole world laughs with you, cry and......you have
               to blow your nose.
           Childrenshould be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
           When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.
Rainbows


A man is a person who - if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself."- lets her.
                woman is a person who - if she says to a man,
            "Never mind, I'll do it myself." and he lets her - gets mad.
    A man is a person who - if a woman says to him,"Never mind, I'll do it myself,"
      and he lets her and she gets mad - says,"Now what are you mad about?"
    A woman is a person who - if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself,"
                and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says,
  "Now what are you mad about?" - says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!"


No, Windows95 is NOT a virus!
     Here is what viruses do:
     They Replicate Quickly...Okay, Windows does that.
     But, Viruses waste valuable system resources, slowing down the
     system... Okay, so Windows95 does that.

     Virus will, from time to time, completely trash your HD...
     Allright, Windows95 does that too.

     Viruses are carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
     programs and systems...Oh, Windows95 does that too.

     Viruses will use up system resources (see #2) so the user thinks
     he needs to upgrade hardware...Yup, that's with Windows 95.
     Until now it seems that Windows95 IS a virus, but there are
     some fundamental differences:
     Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running alive
     and well on most systems, their program code is fast, compact
     and efficient, and they tend to become more sophisticated as
     they mature.
     SO...  Windows95 is NOT a virus after all!

Win95.gif

Dr. Suess Computer Technical Manual
 If a packet has a pocket on a socket on a port,
 And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
 And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
 Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
 If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
 And the double clicking icons put your window in the trash,
 And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
 Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
 If the label on your cable on the gable on your house,
 Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
 But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
 That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
 And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,
 So your icons in your window are as wavy as a zouse,
 Then you may as well reboot and go without a bang,
 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the thing is gonna hang!
 When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
 And the micro code instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
 Then you hafta flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
 Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!


State Trooper on the NYC Thruway (I90) gave me a ticket the other day. Speeding? No. I was driving in the Granny lane (slow) and the Trooper pulled up beside me. I hit a pheasant that stepped into the road from the shoulder. Flew across the lane, hit the Trooper's windshield and broke it. The Trooper gave me the ticket for flipping him the bird.





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Honesty on the Internet
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Thanks Cyberlodge

Fly Dates
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Feelin Older
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This one is Great
 Humor
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These are Collected from Email I've recieved
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Updated Mar 9th 2001

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