(Thanks to K0HB)
READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW RADIO!
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine radio in
a strikingly attractive designer case that would give you
thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead ham
maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE RADIO. YOU ALREADY
UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND
TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE BUTTONS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD,
THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEO
CASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE BUTTONS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL
JUST BREAK THESE RADIOS RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM
OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because
we're always getting back "defective" rigs where it
turns out that some dumb ham inadvertently bathed the device in
acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we
naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead
insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE RADIO:
- The rig is encased in foam to protect it from the
Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears
into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT
THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS
MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING RADIOS.
- Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her
only proof of engagement, and her fiancÚ, Stuart, is now
seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in
as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam
in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question.
It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is
"Barker", if you get our drift.
2. PLUGGING IN THE RADIO:
- The plug on this device represents the thinking of the
electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a
continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing
hazardous electrical current to flow through their
appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the
Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your
device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose
Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of
Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the
floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight and
clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
- WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE
PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SCREWDRIVER IN YOUR
OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT,
AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE RADIO:
- INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is
our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two
times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something)
earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If
this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very
maintenance action, as a kindly (something) virepoint
from Drawing B.
- NOTE: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE
DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE
RADIO ARE MANUFACTURED IN AN ORIENTAL COUNTRY. THE
INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF
ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO THE
ORIENT BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS.
SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
- Be it hereby known that this device, together with but
not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be
warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions
as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly
before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no
charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service
People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in
ritual designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This
warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.