"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." � US Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered laser guided bombs." � Bomber Pilot

"Never tell your Sgt. you have nothing to do." ---USAF Recuit

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." � USAF Ammo Troop

"You've never been lost until you"ve been lost at Mach 3." � Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." � Unknown Author

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter and therefore, unsafe." � Fixed Wing Pilot

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you safely to the scene of the crash." � Multi-Engine Training Manual

"Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club." � Unknown Author

"If you hear me yell; 'Eject, Eject, Eject!,' the last two will be echos. If you stop to ask 'Why?' you"ll be talking to yourself, because you are now the pilot." � Pre-flight Briefing from a F-104 Pilot

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." � Sign over Control Tower Door

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." � Basic Flight Training Manual

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation � we have never left one up there!" � Unknown Author

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." � Emergency Checklist

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." � Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." � Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." � Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." � Lead-in Fighter Training Manual

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What the heck happened here?" The pilot replies: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Signed Off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.

Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.

Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!

Problem: Target Radar hums.

Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew?

A: A pilot and a dog�the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if a pilot is at your party?

A: He�ll tell you.

Q: How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?

A: Because he says: �Thats enough about flying, let�s talk about me�!

Q: What�s the purpose of the propeller?

A: To keep the pilot cool. If you don�t think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

There's a Senior Airman driving from Mc Chord AFB to Ft Lewis, and an Army Corporal driving from Ft Lewis to Mc Chord AFB. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Senior Airman manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the Army Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Corporal walks over to the Airman and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Airman thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. I'm going see what else survived this wreck"

So the Airman pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Corporal, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

The Corporal replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Corporal hands it back to the Airman and says, "Your turn!"

The Airman twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "No thanks, I think I'll just wait for the cops to arrive."