A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

Big Busted Women... ..can get a taxi on the worst days ..have a neat place to carry spare change ..have always been the center of the arts (art) ..make jogging a spectator sport ..can keep a magazine dry while laying the tub ..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ..can always carry a little extra ..always float better ..know where to look first for lost earrings ..rarely lack for a slow dance partner ..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner Small Busted Women... ..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public ..always look younger ..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap ..can always see their toes and shoes ..can sleep on their stomachs ..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars ..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts ..know that everything more than a handful is wasted ..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle ..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out

Two construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?" pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't know, go ask him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The supervisor says "Intelligence". Guido says "what is this intelligence?" The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can!" Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says "Thats intelligence". Still smarting Guido goes back to his coworker and his coworker says "Hey what did he say?" With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine." The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please." "Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the barkeep remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have." "What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked. "Fifty cents."

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor. "O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's infertility problem. The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal and standback. The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the cook, "just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight". As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I got nothing better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup. As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that there is a big problem in the kitchen. The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on. The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and crys "I don't know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up".

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the supermodel Stephanie Seymour. (Ray's Note: Oh GOD yes . . . ) "I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ? "My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh.

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies ets) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this phenomenon is in the following historical facts: Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994. Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to the investor then, is, "Don't sell until you see the heights of their thighs!"

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes ?

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and use a lubricant. Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. Q. What is the height of conceit? A Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that he choked on it, sir."

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepherd? The Stones say "Hey you! Get off of my Cloud." and The Scottish Shepherd says "Hey McCleod! Get off of my ewe.

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it Imediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and the milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phhone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs. Be afraid! Be very, very afraid!

20 ways to annoy public bathroom stallmate 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" 11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers." 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?" 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me." 14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast. 15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." 16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. "Don't know," the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them. "This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia." The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack." The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew." "Probably, " replied the clerk. "And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?" "Probably," the clerk again replied. "Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?" At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

"I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!" "Why would you want to divorce him for that?" "Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" "You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time". "Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right. "I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark." "But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!" "Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home." "Okay, boss." Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck." "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride sitting in the living room still in her bath robe. "Kate my wife" he says "what ever is the matter, yer still in yer robe." "Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm feeling. I didn't know what to do so I called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a specimen', he says and hung up. Danny, I don't know what a specimen is." "Ah lass I don't know either, but if you high yerself up the stairs to Mrs. Murphy 'n' she'll be able to tell ye." Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs. Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell of a crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the landing. "Kate, what ever happened?" "I tol' Mrs Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in her hat . . . and the fight was on."

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The attorney responded, "Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunk replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her 60 bucks, she was shocked, "I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut," she said with disdain. "But you don't bite do you?" the groomer quickly replied.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slippd and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with an onion. Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects though." "Whats that?" the doctor asks anxiously "Well, everytime I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, and everytime I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days." The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Jon was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang. On the line was Judi. "Jon, I heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-70. I know that's the way you come home. Please be careful!" Jon said, "Hell, it's not one -- it's hundreds of 'em!"

Judi spotted Jon across a crowded room at a convention in Las Vegas. Easing up next to him, Judi asked Jon if he would like to join her for a drink. "I don't know," said Jon. "I've got a wife and two kids at home..." To which Judi replied, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." Jon thought about it for a second and then agreed. A few drinks later, Judi invited Jon up to her room for a nightcap. When Jon hesitated again, she said, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." And Jon agreed. After a few more drinks in Judi's room, the two of them were starting to get pretty friendly, and judi asked if Jon would be interested in a little party. Jon, bewildered, exclaimed, "If don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us, and we don't know them, then who the hell are we going to invite?!"

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" "No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband." The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split." To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace. Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"" That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing.Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins. As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?"" That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."

This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The girl quickly responded, "The living one."

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked. Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though." The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." "Well," Johnny said, "you need to cuss at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Amanpreet repots for his final exam. The exam consists of nothing but True / False type answers. He takes his seat, gets the test, stares at the questions for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin, and starts tossing the coin. For "Heads" he marks "True" and for "Tails" he marks "False". Within half an hour, Amanpreet is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, a little alarmed, walks over to him and asks him if he's ok. Amanpreet spits out, "Yeah, I'm ok. I finished my exam in half an hour -- but I'm not going to have time to check all of these answers!!!"

[Toolbox] [Search] [Weather] [Horoscopes] [Weekly Horoscope] [AmateurRadio]
[Word] [Humor] [News] [LinkOpps] [LinkBuddies] [PetPeeves]
[Today in History] [Facts] [Sounds] [Banners] [UFO's]
[Home] [Family] [Mom and Dad] [WhoamI]
[Reel] [OfficeMax] [Beyond] [RegisterIt] [WebsiteGarage]


Updated Mar 9th 2001



You are Lucky Number

Amateur Radio and Internet Resources
Copyright 1998-2003NØFYT Ed Ferguson