Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, '"What other problem can there be greater than this one ?" A question had appeared in an examination which read, "Give four
uses of breast milk?" A student began to answer the question. 1. No need
to boil. 2. Cats can't steal them. 3. Available whenever necessary. But
the fourth point eluded him. When there were barely a couple of minutes
for the exam to close the much required fourth point flashed to his mind.
So he completed the answer by writing 4. Available in attractive containers. A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.
He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not
a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to
get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings,
first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked
whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means.
To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear
decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper
is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though
I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The
sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported
into another world. "On the other hand, Port makes me fart." I went to the Post Office yesterday to mail in my tax forms. There
was a long line and as I waited I saw that the open counter had been replaced
with an elaborate glass enclosure that totally isolated clerks from customers.
There were even sliding windows that you open (one side at a time) to slide
large parcels to the clerk. When I got to the window I saw that the enclosure
was actually bullet proof glass. After I completed my business I asked
the clerk "Is the bullet proof glass to keep the bullets out or keep them
in?". He started to answer "Keep them out" then stopped to think about
it! beautiful but aging woman goes into a bar filled with photos of
famous boxers. A man sits down next to her and says, "Hey, this is supposed
to be a bar for boxing fans." "Are you kidding? I'm the biggest boxing
fan in the world." "You are?" says the man, happy to find a woman who shares
his interests."Why, I'm such a big boxing fan," she continues, that I have
a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and a tattoo of Evander Holyfeld on
the other. Wanna see them?" "Sure," says the man, downing his scotch. The
woman hikes up her skirt, spreads her legs, and grabs the man's head and
shoves it down there. "Can you see Iron Mike? Can you see Evander?" she
asks. The man comes up for air and say, "Yeah, I saw them both, but you
didn't say you had Don King in the middle." A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched
by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the
guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder
up next to him,climbs it,and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow,
"but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them." Again the man is rather
startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.The midget
reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand
me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!" A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking
up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says,
"What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife
is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect
shot." "Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting
her from here!" Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could
beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father."
The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first
boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing." Three men are traveling the Amazon, a German, an American, and a
Polack, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says
to the German, what do you want on your back for your whipping? The German
responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon
whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these hugh welts
on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away,
and say to the Polack, what do you want on your back? "I will take nothing!"
says the Polack, and the Polack stands there straight and takes his 10
lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the
Amazons ask the American, who responds "I'll take the Polack!" A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out
of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but
notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really
indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are
glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the
boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked
his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't right
know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How
do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't right
know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't right know son." Finally, the boy asked
his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The
father repied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn
nothin'." A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch,
telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed,"
she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a
writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that,
too." The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live
a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?" The girl thinks about
this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the
shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!" The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town
tavern. "Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven
one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?" Six months after the waiter died, his widow went to see a medium,
who promised she would contact the dead man. During the seance, the widow
was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's
outfit. "Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!" A hoarse voice
from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my table." Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San
Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it
set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying
tickets. Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so
they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost
to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that
his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down
again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding.
Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here." Zeb went down a third time and
this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions
and cuts all over his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata?? A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know
you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She
again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The
man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this
point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors
to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of
you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!" Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an
annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions.
If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go. Jon was
called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd
be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon,
what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half
blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely
blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned
the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked
and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the
formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?" Amanpreet,
remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be half
blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut
off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered. "Amanpreet,
can you explain how you'd be *blind*?" "My hat would fall down over my
eyes." Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms.
The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line
up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with
no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast.
The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the
guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the
bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head
at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent
learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle,
some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!" There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his
ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day
after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening
to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So
he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything." The
mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!" One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated
concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to
learn this stuff?" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and
continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses
out of medical school," replied the professor. In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated
great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come
up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of
town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded
into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen
in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise
men came from afar.'" A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to
the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast
asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and
proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for
something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his
wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were
just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there!
She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her
to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.
"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years
and I wasn't about to start now!" A young boy was the sole survivor of a ship wreck and had lived
on an out-of-the-way island for many years. A young lady finally came to
the same shore after another wreck. Discovering the lad, she talked of
many things with him at great length. Finally, she asked him if he had
ever heard of sex. He said that he hadn't so she asked him if he wanted
to try it. He, of course, knew nothing about that and asked her to show
him what she meant. Afterward, she asked him what he thought about it and
he said: "That was pretty good but I think you broke my clam digger." The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you
like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert." "The artwork,"
says Robert. "Very good. And you, Peter?" "Her tits!" says Peter. "Peter,
get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And
you, Johnny?" "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..." Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their
car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go
to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS
SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains
to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their
sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area
when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their
car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00." There was a job opening in the countryís most prestigious law firm
and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum
laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive
and well spoken. Itís up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes
ech aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer? In seconds, he chooses
Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. I donít understand why I was rejected.
When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the
greatest respect for the law, that Iíd lay down my life for the Constitution
and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world
did you tell him? I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert
replies. Your hands? What do you mean? Well, I took a look one day and
there wasnít any money in either of them! A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment
overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an
old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces
herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How
long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies,
"I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray
for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup
of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease
from the earth." The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to
come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall." With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has
a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their
family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not
yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says
"not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother
says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until
the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it." There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like
that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps
next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was
just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep,
and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave
the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say
they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I
remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives
away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting
an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ." A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom &
Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The
grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had
a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash
my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful
and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even
kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk
him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the
store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so,
said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use
that detergent on your dog." "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it
was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it
was the spin cycle!" A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be.
The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice
sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that
colony is cockeyed." The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of
making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older
worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,"
he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're
on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man
reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to
the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger
branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around
an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the
animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles
the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its
name. They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name.
So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall
we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back
with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest
is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had
not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular
at the time. It stood for "Who Gives A Shit Anyhow?" On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to
the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid
says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light
on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle
safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off
says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that
to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says,
"Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead
of on top." [Toolbox]
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