There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
very man. Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the women at the office start
confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have
begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin;
I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to
take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way
through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in
the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't
get it started.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you
don't know till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.

You're getting old when your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

You're getting old when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore
but just holds you up to the light.

You're getting old when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer "honey, I cannot do both!".

You're getting old when a sexy lady catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.