Ballad of the Sober Spacer

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The Sober Spacer
(originally titled "The Sober Pilot")
lyrics © 1990 (revised 2005) by Dr. H. Paul Shuch
sung to the tune of "The Frozen Logger,"
Copyright © 1951 by James Stevens
winner of Best Ballad at PHILCON '92 Filk Contest

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As I sat down one stardate
At the Gamma Two Saloon
A fat Ferengi waitress
To me these words did croon:

"I see that you're a spacer,
And captain of your crew
'Cause no one but a spacer
Orders caffeinated brew.

"My lover was a spacer,
He flew from star to star.
I met him on Centauri Six
Beside the coffee bar.

"He never drank hard liquor,
Because it dulled his mind.
He said he needed one on board
Who wasn't deaf and blind.

"His head was clear in battle,
No synthahol for him.
It didn't hurt that he was
Also muscular and slim.

"Because I like them sober
And functional as well,
I moved right in there with him -
I figured what the hell.

"For six months we were happy,
But then his mood grew terse.
He hankered for the action
Out across the universe.

"He swapped me when we parted
For a hypersonic drive,
Then he warped away to Vega;
I doubt he's still alive.

"So I became a waitress
Right here on Gamma Two,
Waiting 'til some spacer
Ordered caffeinated brew."

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