Afraid To Be Alone

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Afraid To Be Alone
copyright © 1993 by H. Paul Shuch, Ph.D.

Afraid to be alone
With my thoughts, my fears,
I surround myself with friends
Adventures and activities
Mistresses and wives
And lose myself in life.

And still I am alone.
The people in my life
One by one abandon me
Until I am left standing
Before the mirror of my mind
Facing a familiar stranger.

I never felt alone
In a house full of children
(My own or the neighbors'--
It didn't matter whose)
But the raucous cacophony
Always faded as they grew.

I could not be alone
In the classroom, with my students,
Guiding them toward knowledge
Watching them grow in wisdom
Until they have surpassed
And forgotten me.

And will I be alone
If I start another family?
For perhaps a dozen years
I can immerse myself in doing,
Surround myself with feeling
Until I am no longer needed.

The trouble with alone
Is that no longer needed
Does not mean less needy.
If I impose myself on others
Will they not feel diminished
In my presence?

I thought that I, alone,
Could work out the answer
To my place in the cosmos
And its place within me.
Yet Fermat's Final Proof
Seems somehow less elusive.

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