I have written quite a bit this time, but I think it is a good update.

FREDDY THE THROAT, AND HIS MAGIC MEDICINE SHOW

If you could pick one particular oddity of the human body, and you had to attempt to explain and describe to someone who had never experienced it, what would you choose?

Would it be laughter? Or, might you choose to describe what it feels like to fall asleep? Me, I would choose the hiccups.

Always one for a challenge, I think that hiccups are one of the most curious little phenomena that occurs, and I would try to describe it to somebody. Of course, that would entail a lot of observation and documentation, and I am not sure that I could handle that.

You would have to describe what hiccups are like...and I think out-and-out irritating would have to top the list. I had the hiccups the other day, and I happened to be chatting with Marié on ICQ at the time. She suggested that I drink a glass of water while holding a pen vertically next to the glass, so that it forces you to tilt your head back farther, opening your trachea more or something. That got me to thinking about the vast number of "old wives's" or "medicine show" remedies that there are for this particular ailment; it seems everybody I talk to has a different remedy, and no matter how odd their particular solution is, they will think that your's is absolutely nuts.

So, I have started a sort of ad hoc clearing house of hiccup remedies. Here is the list I have so far:

-Drink a glass of water through a Kleenex which has been draped over the mouth of the glass.
-Drink a glass of water from the other side of the glass, which basically means leaning forward instead of backward.
-Drink seven, no more, no less, just seven swallows of water without taking a breath.
-Eat a big heaping spoonful of peanut butter
-Hold a pen next to the glass of water, sticking up above the mouth of the glass, forcing you to tip your head back farther.

Ok, that is my list, so here is what I want you all to do. Write me with any hiccup remedies that YOU know of, and I will put all of them on the new NBOHHRCHA Website.

So, c'mon folks, let me hear 'em!! No matter how kooky, crazy, spooky, or lazy!

THE SUN ALSO SETS

I have noticed that more than just a few of you have been putting an identical little tag on your emails when you write to me, that being "Stay warm."

Well, you will all be comforted to know that I am doing just that.

The weather up here is really interesting, as most extreme weather tends to be to a nerd like me. I would like to tell you a little bit about it.

Temperature right now are running a bit on the chilly side, though not as bad as they could be. For the past couple of weeks, the lows have been getting down into the -25 to -35 degrees (F) range, and highs have been struggling to reach -20. This past week, we reached highs of a balmy -25 F!!! Well, some folks might find that to be a bit trying, but as you all should know, and as Garrison Keillor says, cold weather is a tonic for the soul, helping to keep man honest. It is a test of one's character to be met with that blast of deadening cold when one steps out of the door into the mid-morning darkness.

That segues rather nicely into the other feature of the high latitude winter, that being the daylight situation. The wonderful little trick of the Earth's axis of rotation makes for some fun and interesting times up here. Tomorrow, Fairbanks will receive 4 hours and 15 minutes of daylight. This is so cool!! It is so interesting to see the drastic changes in the light from day to day. Luckily, it has been sunny for the past few weeks, so the daylight we do get is nice and bright, though it does pose a problem when I drive south during the day.

The minimum we get here in Fairbanks is 3 hours and 42 minutes, which I will regrettably miss, due to my trip.

The same is not the case for Barrow, Alaska, the northern-most community in the nation. The sun rose for the last time two weeks ago, and it was above the horizon for all of 58 minutes. Take heart, they will see the sun again...in late January.

Of course all of this darkness should really be helping our aurora viewing, but of course, the Sun is not cooperating all that much. Perhaps before I come home...

A fun little benefit of the cold is the fact that the tires on your car "freeze square". This happens because where the tires contact the parking lot, tire flattens out a bit, and the rubber freezes enough to make the first mile or so of driving a bit disconcerting. I have had to stop my car twice in the past week to get out and check to see if the tires were indeed flat...it is THAT disconcerting.

Another of the interesting things about the weather here in the Middle Tanana Valley is the temperature inversion. It is interesting to me, of course, because it is what my new research project is about.

Just as a side note, if any of you want to know about my research, I will probably be more than willing to oblige...well, even if you DON'T want to get the gritty details, I will probably button-hole you and bore you to tears. Who needs spiked egg nogg when you have "Brian and his Research"? A newly classified controlled substance...you have been forewarned.

Well, the temperature inversion basically is warm air over cold air, whereas the air temperature usually decreases as you go up from the surface. The inversion is virtually guaranteed because the cold air settles in the lower atmosphere, like in the valley. This happens because cold air is more dense. Anyway, the coldest air is at the lowest elevations, so at the airport, it is usually some 15 degrees colder than at the University, which is up on the ridge. Up in the hills of Chena Ridge, Gold Hill, and Ester, it can be up to 30 degrees warmer than in the valley. That is pretty cool.

Of course, that fact that the cold air sits in the valley means that everything in that cold air sits in the valley, too. That includes a lot of car exhaust, and everybody's favorite colorless and odorless gas, lets hear it for carbon monoxide. Fairbanks is near the top of a list of very elite cities like Los Angeles and Denver, who have their air quality followed very closely. Hey! Who said that you couldn't enjoy urban lifestyle and big-city features in Interior Alaska?!?!

BRIAN, THE WORLD'S NEWEST POT(TER) HEAD

I know it comes as a disappointment to my Mom and Dad, after they did all that they could to see to it that I was raised right, but I have fallen prey to a lifestyle which is plaguing society, thousands of men, women, and children acting irrationally, trying to scrounge enough money together for their next fix or hit. It has caused children to spend long hours holed up in their rooms, avoiding their parents and other sensory stimuli, and drives once-well-spoken adults to speak gibberish like dumpledore and muggle.

What is this potent drug? Harry Potter, of course.

That's right. I have seen the Harry Potter movie. Who wants to touch me? I SAID, WHO WANTS TO (censored) TOUCH ME?!?!?!

The movie...is fun. I enjoyed it quite a lot, despite the children bouncing from seat to seat in front of me. Hey, it wasn't their fault. With their sugar intake, a 3-ton rhino could have moved that fast. The movie was fun to watch, a nice story, great costumes, and a fairly good comic aspect.

I have started reading the book now, to fill in all of the details that had to be left out of the film.

I can hear you all right now..."Oh, how pedestrian. The Harry Potter movie." I guess I have blown my reputation by going to a movie that a lot of other people like. Of course, that wasn't a problem with "Spice World".

The thing that gets me about the whole Potter phenomenon is the detractors and enemies that Potter has, in the real world. I guess that a few Christian groups are out en masse against Potter because of its witchcraft and wizardry content. Well, this should surprise no one, it is just par for the course in this age of self importance and hyper-sensitivity. I understand where they are coming from, but I fail to share their fervor.

It is simply imagination and fun. We have all dreamed about things that we wished that we could do, like fly or turn a rock into a bunny. C'mon! Be honest! Who here has NEVER wished he or she could fly? "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" is the same type of thing, and I read that when I was young, and look at me. I have only ONCE tried to fly off on a broomstick, and I blame most of that on the 12-pack of Bud that had been in the fridge.

So, go out and see the movie. It is a nice little "two and a half hour" escape from a real world filled with truth that is very painful indeed. We can start to worry when a bunch of kids have to have reconstructive surgery from trying to run through brick walls at train stations. Enjoy the film.

Epilogue: After I wrote this, The Onion (America's Finest News Source, www.theonion.com ) wrote a little piece about adults and Harry Potter...you can read it here: http://www.theonion.com/onion3744/harry_potter_craze.html

Damn, I'm good.

GOINGS ON

Tomorrow is the 60th anniversary of the day that Pearl Harbor was attacked. Please take time to thank and pray for any and all members of the military that you know and love.

Well, Saturday is the day...the day that could make or break the spirit of the collective Nebraska soul. The announcement of the Heisman Trophy and the SEC Championship. The quarterback of NU, Eric Crouch, is a finalist for the coveted award, and I think, should win it. He had one of the best seasons and one of the most quietly phenomenal careers in the history of college football. Such a shame that the defense forgot to bring their brains to the game in Boulder a couple of weeks ago, or else we may be looking at a possible Nebraska national championship...WAIT!!! We ARE looking at a possible national championship.

Through the convoluted Bowl Championship Series poll, who will decide who plays for the top spot, Nebraska, who had been written off after the non-effort at Colorado, is now mathematically back in the hunt. It took some unthinkable losses by some powerful teams, but hey, nothing is beyond belief in college football. If Tennessee loses to Louisiana State on Saturday night, Nebraska will most likely be going to Pasadena after all, and Scotty, wouldn't that be a trip.

Let me see, what else is there...well, not much. The UAF Nanooks are playing two games at the Civic in Omaha against the UNO Mavericks. Should be a good game. Check it out if you have the means.

Oh, the Bluecoats Drum and Bugle Corps have officially done their part to help perpetuate the death of "G Tonality" by purchasing a full set of Kanstul Bb horns for the upcoming corps season. Oh, well...it won't be long now.

And, well, we will finish up this monster update with a healthy dose of...

INJECTIONS D'HUMEUR

I have decided that I would give these moldy oldies another shot at glory...one-liners at their best...

Number 1:
Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says, "Do you have ANY idea how to drive this thing?"

Number 2:
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't. You get down from a goose.

And finally,
Number 3:
If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?
Personally, I would choose the one who's living.

Well, those were fun, but short, so I will give you one to think about and discuss at your next dinner party, when the conversation about the plight of the horned toad and public radio funding dies down...

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one ot observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

AND THE WINNER IS...

Well, that is just about it....OOOPS!!! Hold the phone! I have yet to announce the winning name from The Great "Name Brian's Car" Contest!! How clumsy of me.

Well, I would like to introduce my car, Rupert! Rupert, which was suggested by my older sister, Karen, is the name by which my little blue wagon will be known from this day forward. Congrats, Karen, and thanks to everybody who contributed. To borrow a bit of the new age rhetoric, it takes a village to name a car...I think that is what the quote says.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this update as much as I enjoyed writing it. I will see some of you in just over a week. How is that for cool?

Have a great weekend, and go LSU!!!

Brian "Freeze Square" Hartmann