1
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Use as many Q signals
as possible. Yes, I know they were
invented solely for CW and are
totally inappropriate for VHF FM,
but they're fun and entertaining.
They keep people guessing as to what
you really meant. For example, "I'm
going to QSY to the kitchen." Can
you really change frequency to the
kitchen? QSL used to mean "I am
acknowledging receipt," but now it
appears to mean "yes" or "OK." I
guess I missed it when the ARRL
changed the meaning. |
2
|
Never laugh, when you
can say "hi hi." No one will ever
know you aren't a long time CW
ragchewer if you don't tell them.
They'll think you've been on since
the days of Marconi. |
3
|
Utilize an alternative
vocabulary. Use words like
"destinated" and "negatory." It's OK
to make up your own words here.
"Yeah Bill, I pheelbart zaphonix
occasionally myself." |
4
|
Always say "XX4XXX"
(Insert your own call) "for I.D.".
As mentioned in Step One, anything
that creates redundancy is always
encouraged. That's why we have the
Department of Redundancy Department.
(Please note that you can follow
your call with "for identification
purposes" instead of "for I.D."
While taking longer to say, it is
worth more "LID points". |
5
|
The better the copy on
the repeater, the more you should
use phonetics. Names should be
especially used if they are short or
common ones. I.E. "My name is Al...
Alpha Lima" or "Jack.. Juliet Alpha
Charlie Kilo." If at all possible
use the less common HF phonetics
"A4SM... America, Number Four, Sugar
Mexico." And for maximum "LID
points", make up unintelligible
phonetics. "My name is Bob...
Billibong Oregano Bumperpool." |
6
|
Always give the calls
of yourself and everyone who is (or
has been) in the group, whether they
are still there or not. While this
has been unnecessary for years, it
is still a great memory test. You
may also use "and the group" if you
are an "old timer" or just have a
bad memory. Extra points for saying
everyone's call and then clearing in
a silly way - like "This is K2xxx,
Chow, Chow." |
7
|
Whenever possible, use
the wrong terminology. It keeps
people guessing. Use "modulation"
when you mean "deviation". And even
if the amplifier you're using is a
Class C type amp, and thus not
biased for linear amplification, be
sure to call it your "linear." Heck,
refer to all FM-style amplifiers as
"linears." You'll be king of the
"wrong terminology" hill. Or better
yet, refer to them as "lin-e-yars."
|
8
|
If someone asks for a
break, always finish your turn,
taking as long as possible before
turning it over. Whenever possible,
pass it around a few times first.
This will discourage the breaker,
and if it is an emergency, encourage
him to switch to another repeater
and not bother you. |
9
|
Always ask involved
questions of the person who is
trying to sign out. Never let him
get by with a yes or no answer. Make
it a question that will take a long
time to answer. |
10
|
The less you know about
a subject, the more you should
speculate about it on the air. The
amount of time spent on your
speculations should be inversely
proportional to your knowledge of
the subject. |
11
|
If someone on the
repeater is causing interference,
you should talk about that person at
great length, making sure to comment
on at least four out of six of the
following: (1) His mental state; (2)
His family; (3) His intelligence, or
lack of same; (4) His sexual
preference; (5) His relationship to
small animals, his mother, or both;
(6) His other methods of self
entertainment. |
12
|
If you hear two
amateurs start a conversation on the
repeater, wait until they are 20
seconds into their contact, and then
break-in to use the patch. Make sure
that it's only a simple routine
phone call. It's also very important
that you run the autopatch for the
full three minutes. This way, once
the two re-establish contact, they
won't even remember what they were
talking about. |
13
|
You hear someone on the
repeater giving directions to a
visiting amateur. Even if the
directions are good, make sure you
break-in with your own "alternate
route but better way to get there"
version. This is most effective if
several other Lid trainees join in,
each with a different route. By the
time the amateur wanting directions
unscrambles all the street names
whizzing around in his head, he
should have mobiled out of range of
the repeater. This keeps you from
having to stick around and help the
guy get back out of town later.
|
14
|
Use the repeater for an
hour or two at a time, preventing
others from using it. Better yet, do
it on a daily basis. Your quest is
to make people so sick of hearing
your voice every time they turn on
their radio, they'll move to another
frequency. This way you'll lighten
the load on the repeater, leaving
even more time for you to talk on
it. |
15
|
See just how much
mobile flutter you can generate by
operating at handheld power levels
too far from the repeater. Engage
people in conversations when you
know they won't be able to copy half
of what you're saying. Even when
they say you are uncopyable,
continue to string them along by
making further transmissions. See
just how frustrated you can make the
other amateur before he finally
signs off in disgust.
|
16
|
Give out wacky radio
advice. When a newcomer's signal is
weak into the repeater, tell him he
can correct the problem by adjusting
the volume and squelch knobs on his
radio. Or tell people they're full
quieting except for the white noise
on their signal. Or....well, you get
the idea. |
17
|
Use lots of radio
jargon. After all, it makes you feel
important using words average people
don't say. Who cares if it makes you
sound like you just fell off of
Channel 19 on the Citizen's Band?
Use phases such as "Roger on that,"
"Roge-O," "10-4," "I'm on the side,"
"You're making the trip," and
"Negatory on that."
|
18
|
Use excessive
microphone gain. See just how loud
you can make your audio. Make sure
the audio gain is so high that other
amateurs can hear any bugs crawling
on your floor. If mobile, make sure
the wind noise is loud enough that
others have to strain to pick your
words out from all the racket.
|
19
|
Be as verbose as
possible. Never say "yes" when you
can say "He acquiesced in the
affirmative by saying 'yes'." (No
kidding, I actually heard that one.)
|
20
|
Start every
transmission with the word "Roger,"
"Roge-O," or "QSL." Sure, you don't
need to acknowledge that you
received the other transmission in
full. After all, you would simply
ask for a repeat if you missed
something. But consider it your gift
to the other amateur to give him
solace every few seconds that his
transmissions are being received.
|
21
|
When looking for a
contact on a repeater, always say
you're "listening" or "monitoring"
multiple times. I've always found
that at least a half dozen times or
so is good. Repeating your multiple
"listening" IDs every 10 to 15
seconds is even better. Those people
who didn't want to talk to you will
eventually call you, hoping you'll
go away after you have finally made
a contact. |
22
|
Give out repeater FM
signal reports using the HF SSB R-S
system ("You're 5 by 9 here"). Sure
it's considered improper for FM
operation and you may even confuse
some people, but don't let that
spoil your fun! |
23
|
Always use a repeater,
even if you can work the other
station easily on simplex --
especially if you can make the
contact on simplex. The coverage of
the repeater you use should be
inversely proportional to your
distance from the other station.
|
24
|
If you and the other
station are both within a mile or
two of the repeater you are using,
you should always give a signal
report. ("I'm sitting under the
repeater and I know you can see it
from there, but you're full quieting
into the repeater. How about me?")
|
25
|
In the same vein as the
previous step, when monitoring a
repeater, you should always give
signal reports as if the repeater
didn't exist. ("Yep, I'm right under
the repeater. You've got a whopping
signal. You're S-9 plus 60. That
must be a great rig.")
|
26
|
On repeaters with
courtesy tones, you should always
say "over." Courtesy tones are
designed to let everyone know when
you have un-keyed, but don't let
that stop you. Say "over," "back to
you," or "go ahead." It serves no
useful purpose, but don't worry --
it's still fun. |
27
|
Think up interesting
and bizarre things to do to tie-up
the repeater. The goal here is not
to facilitate communications, but to
entertain all the scanner listeners
out there. Do something original.
Try to hum CTCSS (PL) tones. Sing
pager tones. You're getting the
idea. |
28
|
Use the repeater's
autopatch for frivolous routine
calls. While pulling into the
neighborhood, call home to let them
know you'll be there in two minutes.
Or call your spouse to complain
about the bad day you had at work.
After all, the club has "measured
rate" service on their phone line,
so they get charged for each
autopatch call. Your endeavor is to
make so many patches in a year that
you cost the club at least $20 in
phone bills. That way you'll feel
you got your money's worth for your
dues. |
29
|
Never say "My name
is....". It makes you sound human.
If at all possible, use one of the
following phrases: A) "The personal
here is...." B) "The handle here
is...." Normally, handles are for
suitcases, but it's OK to use them
anyway. Don't forget, this has
worked just fine for CBers for
years. The best retort I ever heard:
"My handle is pink, my name is..."
|
30
|
Use "73" and "88"
incorrectly. Both are already
considered plural, but add a "s" to
the end anyway. Say "best of 73's"
or "88's". Who cares if it means
"best regards" and "love and
kisses." Better yet, say "seventy
thirds"! Or be funny and say
"seventy turds." Or talk like a
1960s CBer and sign off with
"Threeeeeeees to ya!". (By the way,
70 thirds equals about 23.3, the
average CBers IQ.)
|
31
|
Make people think you
have a split personality by
referring to yourself in the plural
sense. When you're in conversation
and are alone at your radio, always
say "We're" or "We've" instead of
"I'm" or "I've" (i.e. "we've been
doing this...", "we're doing
that...", "we're clear"). Everyone
knows you're by yourself, but when
they ask you who is with you, make
up somebody important like Arnold
Schwarzenegger or Bill Clinton.
|
32
|
Always attempt to use
the higher functions of the repeater
before you have read the directions.
Nothing will work, but you'll have
great fun and get lots of people to
give you advice.
|
33
|
Test repeater functions
repeatedly (that's why they call it
a repeater). Test your signal
strength from the same location
several times every day. Concentrate
on testing the things that really
matter, like the number of time the
repeater has been keyed-up. That
stuff is fun to track. Test the
outside temperature, or the
transmitter heat sink termperature
as often as possible. The farther
the temperature goes from the norms,
the more often you should test it.
Also, if you get a pager set to the
repeater's output frequency, as soon
as you receive it set it off every
30 seconds or so until the battery
runs down. Better yet, interrupt
conversations to test it.
|
34
|
If the repeater is off
the air for service, complain about
the fact that it was off the air as
soon as it's turned back on. Act as
though your entire day has been
ruined because that one repeater
wasn't available when you wanted to
use it. Even thought you have never
donated a penny to help out with the
upkeep of it, and despite the fact
that you have all 42 local repeaters
programmed into your mobile radio.
|
35
|
Find ways to get around
the "no business" rule on
autopatches. Your plan is to try and
fool the repeater control operators.
Invent code words your secretary at
work will understand to disguise any
business talk so it sounds like
personal chatter. Or get to be
friends with the local Domino's
Pizza manager. Make it so that when
you call him on the patch and ask
him to bring over the "floppy disk"
you need to your house, he shows-up
30 minutes later with a piping hot
large pepperoni and sausage pie. The
possibilities are endless....
|
36
|
Always make sure you
try to communicate with only a
handheld and a rubber duck antenna.
Also, make sure you work through a
repeater that you can hear very
well, but it cannot hear you. This
will put out a kind of "LID mating
call": "Well, Joe, I can hear the
repeater just fine here. I wonder
why it can't hear me?" You will
score maximum LID points if you are
mobile, and with the radio lying in
the passenger seat.
|
37
|
If an annoying station
is bothering you, make sure your
other "LID" buddies have a "coded"
frequency list. Even though "CODES"
are strictly forbidden on Amateur
Radio, it's really neat to practice
"James Bond" tactics.
|
38
|
Always use the National
Calling Frequency for general
conversations. The more
uninteresting, the longer you should
use it. Extra points are awarded if
you have recently move from an
adjacent frequency for no reason.
Make sure when DX is "rolling" in on
52.525 that you hang out there and
talk to your friends five miles down
the road about the good old CB days!
|
39
|
Make sure that if you
have a personal problem with
someone, you should voice your
opinion in a public forum,
especially a net. Make sure you give
their name, call, and any other
identifying remarks. For maximum
points, make sure the person in
question is not on the repeater, or
not available. |
40
|
Make sure you say the
first few words of each transmission
twice, especially if it is the same
thing each time. Like "roger, roger"
or "fine business, fine business". I
cannot stress enough about
encouraging redundancy.
|
41
|
If you hear a
conversation on a local repeater,
break in and ask how each station is
receiving you. Of course they will
only see the signal of the repeater
you are using, but it's that magic
moment when you can find a fellow
"LID", and get the report. Extra
points are awarded if you are using
a base station, and the repeater is
less than five air miles from you.
|