Helpline

WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" 

HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" 

CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
            and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER:  "Ignition?  Motor?  Battery?  Engine?  How come I have
            to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" 

HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER:  "Huh?  How do I know!?"

HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle,
            and markings from 'E' to 'F.'  Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER:  "It's pointing to 'E.'  What does that mean?"

HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
            purchase some more gasoline.  You can install it yourself,
            or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER:  "What!?"  I paid $12,000. for this car!  Now you tell me
            that I have to keep buying more components?  I want a car
            that comes with everything built in!" 

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
            pedal all the way to the floor.  It worked for a while,
            and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"

HELPLINE:  "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
            What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest version that
            doesn't crash anymore!"

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "Hi!  I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
            because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
            power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE:  "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person!
            I just want to go places in my car!"

Helpline, Part 2

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline, and is the actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.  Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"
"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."

"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the outside window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."

"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."