How to be a Bachelor

A Brief History

Certainly you are familiar with the term "caveman." Have you noticed there is no corresponding, "cavewoman"? That’s because women never lived in caves. They’ve always had their own apartments. Long ago, cavemen drew on walls to record the history of their hunt, and their family. Today we draw on the walls to record phone numbers.

In the Middle Ages, there were no bachelors, only monks. They had no furniture, only one set of clothing, and still their place was a mess. It’s just the nature of men.

The Stereotype

I live in a one-room bachelor(ette)—that’s a room with a kitchen. At least I think I still have a kitchen. I don’t go in there much any more. Last month I was in there but something in the sink told me to leave. The carpet is a burnt orange. It was a bright orange until the fire. I’m currently installing new carpeting made up mostly of my unwashed laundry strewn about thoughtlessly.

By Definition

The American Heritage Dictionary defines "bachelor" as an unmarried man. It defines bachelorette as an apartment with a small kitchen. You’ll find "bachelor" in the dictionary right after "Bacchus." Bacchus is the Roman God of wine. You make the connection. I’m getting another glass of White Grenache.

The Real Thing

Okay, I’m back. Here’s a tip for you gals. I’m a little tipsy, so bear with me. If a guy’s place is really neat on your first visit, he likes you. He likes you, but he’s a phony. He’s leading a double life and is lying to you.

Trust me, he’s a slob and he’s not letting on. Now, if the place is a mess, a real mess, with food encrusted on the walls, and hair on the toilet, he’s a winner. If it’s neat on your second visit, get out. He’s gay. Here’s another tip. Check the oven. If it’s clean, he only eats out. If it’s filthy with chicken drippings, he tried cooking once and now he only eats out. And if there’s laundry in it, you’ve probably paid him a surprise visit.

What’s it like to be a bachelor? It’s doing all your major shopping at the liquor store. It’s buying all your fruit in Pop Tarts. It’s taking a mouth full of cereal and pouring the milk after, that way it remains crispy and you’ve saved on washing a bowl and a spoon. And it’s paying all the bills on the last day. A true bachelor lives alone. A bachelor does not live with women. I had a woman stay with me for awhile. I don’t quite know when she left. It was sometime around when all the food in my refrigerator expired.

What "Dirty" Really Means

That knife encrusted with Entamines Fat Free cake isn’t dirty. The magazine next to your toilet is. The shirt you wore three times in a month isn’t dirty. Why? No stains. If it smells, put a sweatshirt over it. Simple.

Do I clean my toilet? No, that’s where I shit. If I ate there, I’d understand the urgency. It’s only time to clean the bathroom if you’d prefer to go to the Mobil station on the corner. I have moved, rather than clean my place. Don’t clean, there’ll be plenty of time for that when you’re married.

Cleanliness

Roaches. It’s said they’re going to inherit the earth. Why not start with your apartment. Hey, once you get past the myth that they are unsanitary, they become friends. I’ve named mine. There’s Liz and Peter, Michelle and Allen and many many more. I have grown to love them all, but one by one they’ve all left for health reasons.

The nuts and bolts of bachelorhood is creativity. When you run out of dishes, pots, pans, and utensils, you can either wash them, or improvise. Improvisation is a bachelor art. It’s straining spaghetti with a tennis racket. It’s a lighting scheme made up of one light bulb and a sock.

Bachelors and the Environment

Bachelors are environmentally conscious by default. It’s really amazing how neglect has benefited Mother Nature. I wonder how many extra salmon can swim upstream because I only flush once in awhile. Sometimes I wonder how many underprivileged inner-city children get an extra sip of water because I’ve never tapped the water table by washing a dish. Some days I sit back and enjoy the notion of an extra inch or two of skyline I’ve preserved at the city dump by never once throwing out my garbage. Trust me, it’s a warm feeling.

Oh, and we save a lot of electricity. I never leave the lights on. I only have the one bulb now. I unscrew it and rescrew it into the room where I am.

Dining

We eat out a lot. Mostly Taco Bell. Do I clean? Of course I clean. The first thing I clean out is the seat cushions. When I hit 59 cents I run for the border. And if I’m lucky, I’ll find an old cup back there so I can get that free Coke refill.

Laundry

I can’t tell you where I did my laundry. The guy threatened me never to come back. I’ve washed a lot of shirts in the sink and dried them over the gas stove. I don’t know, it really makes me feel in touch with some ancestral roots.

The Reality

Are all men like this? No. Are there men who keep their apartments clean? Yes, but I don’t get along with them. You clean for one reason. And that’s if a woman is coming over. A new woman that is. A woman who knows you awhile also knows you are a slob, so why clean. She’s gonna do it for you anyway. As she cleans, help her out by lowering the volume on the TV.

I once heard a news broadcaster say, "You know your apartment is a mess when you spend more than half an hour looking for the remote." Hey, I’ve spent twice that time looking for the TV.

Dating

What kind of woman do these habits attract? Not the kind of woman I want to date. That’s for damn sure. Besides, I’ve given up dating. They say that when you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with every person that they’ve ever had sex with. I have a corresponding theory: when you date someone, you are dating everyone she’s ever dated. You can tell how much she’s dated by how much baggage she brings into the relationship. If we can’t eat at a certain restaurant because that’s where her X beat her, it’s time to get out. I can’t beat women. It’s not my style. It’s not in me. I can’t even beat them in tennis.