I am a robust and dynamic figure, often seen scaling vertical walls and crushing ice with my bare hands. I am most known for my dashing looks, and my ability to hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.

I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficent in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning opera's, I manage time efficiently, and occasionally I tread water for three consecutive days. I woo women with my sensuous trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. Children trust me.

Using only a shovel and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my backyard. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge for senior citizens.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week. When I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada last year, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I am a god in a mortal body, the laws of physics do not apply to me.

When I'm not wrestling grizzly bears, you will most likely find me working on the theory behind cold fusion. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I also enjoy urban hang-gliding. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a spatula and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.