Interdependence refers to how much you
need dependency or a "couple
identity" with your partner. You are highly interdependent in
relationships. This means that you desire " and perhaps even
demand
" a
substantial degree of physical and emotional connection with a partner
and other loved ones. Those connections and interactions can be
frequent and superficial or they can be deep and meaningful. And you
are probably attracted quickly to someone who you can deeply respect
and even emulate to a degree. In fact, it is typical for a person in
this score range to consider how a particular romantic partner might
reflect on his/her own family and friends. All of this does not mean
that you do not need personal space now and then; nearly everyone
values being unique and different from others in some respects.
However, people in this range draw considerable strength, comfort and
sense of identity from close relationships. You like to know about
virtually all aspects of your partner's life. Thus, when you
feel
close
to someone this person becomes an extremely important part of who you
are on the inside and outside. You probably prefer that you and your
partner's recreational activities be shared together since you
like
having your partner physically close and desire showing off your
"couplehood" in public. Bottom
line: you need someone who responds to the fact that you enjoy the
reassurance of physical contact and emotional sharing, but who helps
keeps dependency in check in the relationship so that you two do not
lose your identities as individuals and whose character is deserving of
your loyalty and affection.
Next are some
customized probing questions to use "as is" or as
inspiration to
develop your own to help you explore your "interdependency" needs
with
potential partners:
"What degree of
possessiveness
do you think is healthy in a relationship?"
"Tell me all about your
philosophy or view on PDAs ('Public Displays of
Affection') "
"On any typical night
out with
your friends, would you prefer to have your partner there with you or
not?"
Intimacy
Intimacy refers to the how much you
need emotional closeness with your
partner. You are clearly comfortable with giving and receiving
emotional intimacy. You long for emotional closeness and security with
a special person, and you tend to be open with a partner in return.
That openness includes lessons learned from your past experiences and
relationships, extending trust, believing your partner returns your
feelings and devotion and being generally comfortable with surrendering
yourself to a partner. In fact, you probably would feel uncomfortable
if there were serious secrets between you and your partner. Likewise,
you probably regard a partner as your best friend and your foremost
confidant. There is likely no hesitation discussing current problems or
concerns with that person. It also seems that you have realistic
expectations for a committed relationship. However, you may find
yourself wondering whether your partner's feelings are equally
as
strong as yours. Still, people in this scoring range are willing to
take the risks associated with being vulnerable on many levels. Bottom
line: you need someone who desires and reciprocates intimacy as much as
you do.
Next are some customized probing questions to use "as
is"
or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your
"intimacy" needs with potential partners:
"Have
you tended to avoid arguments with past partners or is it more like you
to talk about all types of the feelings and concerns you have?"
"Do you think couples
should
always be open and honest with each other, or are there things that it
is okay to hold back?"
"Can you talk and share
on an
intimate level as well as you listen to a friend in need?"
Self-efficacy
Self-Efficacy refers to your
self-image, stability of mood and level of
motivation. People at your scoring level feel assertive and expressive
most of the time and strive to maintain a positive attitude. You likely
find that having plans and structured goals help motivates and guides
your personal and professional development. Many people in this scoring
range are visionary in their ambitions, but they can be highly self
critical. Indeed, you are likely to be acutely aware of your own
strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, it probably helps for you to hear
praise and recognition, as well as have measurable goals and benchmarks
in order to feel competent in your decisions and actions and to achieve
a strong sense of accomplishment. Bottom
line: you need someone who is extremely supportive of your goals by
showing patience and a positive outlook and who also frequently
acknowledges and praises your small and large accomplishments.
Next are some customized probing questions to use "as
is"
or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your
"self-efficacy" needs with potential partners:
"Do
people need to fish for compliments from you, or are you the kind of
person who frequently gives spontaneous acknowledgements and praise to
others?"
"What are the most
important
responsibilities in a friendship?"
"Do you think success in
life
is largely a matter of good organization or largely a matter of
luck?"
Relationship readiness
Relationship Readiness refers to how
prepared you are emotionally,
psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship. In some
ways, you may not be fully ready for a committed relationship. You seem
to feel a fair degree of comfort and grounding in your life right now.
In fact, most people in this range have a clear vision and a sense of
purpose for their life. They also feel in control, but sometimes that
sense of control can be fleeting or a false sense of security. For
example, it is often the case that people in this scoring range need to
address unresolved issues that can interfere with them having the life
and relationship they want. These could be financial or legal issues or
even physical, emotional or health issues. It may also be the case that
you are seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in your life or
to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was weakened or lost
due to other relationships that ended or disappointed you. Bottom
line: you need someone who will be patient and supportive as you figure
out your needs rather than who will rush the relationship prematurely.
Next are some customized probing questions to use "as
is"
or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your
"relationship readiness" needs with potential partners:
"Responding candidly,
what are
your strengths and weaknesses as a friend?"
"What are the most
important
responsibilities you have to a romantic partner?"
"Do you feel offended or
rejected when a partner asks for time, space or privacy to take care of
some personal business?"
Communication
Communication refers to your approach
to interpersonal interactions and
level of emotional intelligence. Effective communicators have strong
emotional intelligence, and you seem to have an excellent level of
emotional intelligence. It is expected that you show considerable
tolerance of ambiguity and emotional expression. You have the capacity
for being extremely sensitive to other's feelings and to their
body
language. Those who know you well would probably describe you as
patient and eager to listen to others. People in this scoring range are
also not afraid of making or admitting to mistakes. They consistently
and bravely show vulnerability to others. In fact, they are keenly
aware how their behavior impacts others. You can communicate your needs
and feelings honestly when someone engages you directly, but you may
not always take the initiative to be assertive with others. In this
sense, it is likely that you seek to understand others, rather than
seek for others to understand you. Bottom
line: you need someone who will not put up emotional barriers when you
seek to understand his/her thoughts and feelings, but rather will
communicate with you intimately and candidly.
Next are some customized probing questions to use "as
is"
or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your
"communication" needs with potential partners:
"Do
you ever feel afraid that once a romantic partner gets to know you
really well, that s/he will like who you really are or will think less
of you?"
"Do you find it difficult
to
trust a romantic partner completely? Explain"
"Would you feel
uncomfortable
telling your partner about things in the past of which you felt
ashamed?"
Conflict resolution
Conflict Resolution refers to your
stress management and problem
solving skills. Effective conflict resolution has nine general
elements: View Conflict as Positive; Address Conflict in the Proper
Atmosphere; Clarify Perceptions; Note Needs, not wants; Draw on the
Power of a Positive Partnership; Focus on the Future, then learn from
the past; Identify Options for Mutual Gain; Develop 'Doables' or
stepping stones to action; and Make Mutually-Beneficial Agreements.
Your score indicates that you are fairly strong on all of these basic
elements, except for Making Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. This
suggests that you are very flexible and action-oriented when addressing
problems, yet not so eager to find resolution that you settle for
quick, temporary agreements. Settling on a temporary agreement is often
a way of avoiding conflict, and it can lead to needs not being met. You
do not seem to avoid conflict; instead you appear to evaluate the
possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a
positive outcome for the relationship. Bottom
line: you need someone who will join you in taking time to find a
complete and genuine resolution to issues as opposed to avoiding
conflict by settling for quick, temporary agreements.
Next are some customized probing questions to use "as
is"
or as inspiration to develop your own to help you explore your
"conflict resolution" needs with potential partners:
"Would you say that you
have a
hard time accepting that some mysteries in life just can not be solved?
Explain"
"Does it help you to
solve
problems by thinking of your own past experiences and knowledge in new
ways?"
"In your experience, does
knowing too much about a problem hinder or help you resolve
it?"
Sexuality
Sexuality refers to your needs
(frequency, boundaries, expressions)
related to physical intimacy. Scientific models of love and attachment
always include physical chemistry and sexuality. It is a crucial topic
for any couple to address, because it involves issues of control and
vulnerability. People at your scoring level have a firm sense of their
sexual orientation, preferred sexual activities and comfort level. You
like sex that is romantic, adventurous and fun, but for you sex is not
a casual event. Sex has great importance in your relationship, and it
is reserved for someone you love. You may think your sexual preferences
would be viewed as conservative by others, but you are hardly a prude.
You tend to be very confident in your sexual ability, you are not self
conscious in bed and you are open to try various activities. People in
this scoring range are willing to be vulnerable and relinquish control
in the bedroom to their partners. In other words, you are not
sexually
selfish. While you appreciate spontaneity and wild abandon in sex,
you
also seem to like for sex to be planned to some extent. Most times this
probably reflects the fact that you like to set the mood, build
anticipation and ensure you have privacy and no interruptions. Bottom
line: you need someone who regards sex as a meaningful bond between
people in love and who appreciates when it is planned to some extent
rather than completely spontaneous.
Next are
some customized probing questions to use "as is" or as
inspiration
to
develop your own to help you explore your "sexual"
needs with
potential
partners:
"How important to you is
preparation for sex? " and under what situations?"
"In your mind, is there
any
difference between 'having sex' and 'making
love'?"
"Do
your sexual fantasies tend to involve romantic scenes and anticipation
or do they trend to being more about spontaneity and unbridled
passion?"
Attitudes toward love
Attitudes Toward Love refers to your
level of needs for romantic love
and friendship love. There are two main types of love " Romantic Love
and Companionate Love. Romantic Love is passionate, emotional and
intense, whereas Companionate Love is a deep, affectionate attachment.
People feel these two types of loves to different degrees in a
relationship, and the levels of each can fluctuate over time. You
scored as someone who may be best described as "a "hopeless
romantic on
the inside and a realist on the outside." This means that you
value
very highly both the safety, security and comfort of Companionate Love
and the excitement and passion of Romantic Love. You desire someone who
is on the same wavelength as you –sharing similar attitudes,
moods
and
impulses. You are a clearly a hybrid, and someone who probably views
love as a transcendent thing. That is, you regard true love as a
precious and rare state that must be nurtured to grow and thrive. Most
people in this scoring range believe that a passionate sex life is not
the most important factor in a stable and satisfying relationship.
Rather, a relationship must be nurtured with acceptance and compete
connectedness with a partner " a couple building and
possessively
protecting their "own world." Bottom
line: You need someone whose highest priority is your relationship and
is willing to do the hard work to keep a transcendent level of love
alive in the relationship.
Next are some
customized probing questions to use "as is" or as
inspiration to
develop your own to help you explore your "love
attitude" needs
with
potential partners:
"If a partner professed
that
s/he would do almost anything for you, would you see that as healthy or
unhealthy love?"
"When you are separated
from a
partner, does the rest of the world often seem dull and
unsatisfying?"
"Do you think that a
person
must have great confidence in his/her partner's judgment in
order for
the relationship to work?"
Preferred Expressions of Affection
Preferred Expressions of Affection
refers to your likes and dislikes
for different ways a partner can express love and devotion. There are
many ways in which people show affection to their loved ones: physical
touch, doing favors, spending time together, giving gifts or
communicating love through words. Statistically, you gave higher
weighted ratings to Gifts. Bottom
line: You need someone who can express affection through tangible
surprises " such as fun gifts s/he makes, souvenirs purchased
on
business trips or beautiful tokens or presents that show s/he remembers
and celebrates special occasions.
Next are
some customized probing questions to use "as is" or as
inspiration
to
develop your own to help you explore your "affection"
needs with
potential partners:
"Is it
more like you to surprise a partner with single, extravagant gifts or
shower the person with little gifts or surprises here and
there?"
"Is it difficult for you
to
come up with personalized gift ideas for loved ones?"
"Do you think giving
gifts is
really just an attempt to buy someone's affection?"
Out of the various modes of expressing
affection,
Physical
Touch received lower weighted ratings from you. Bottom
line: This does not necessarily mean that you neither like nor need to
be touched. Rather, it suggests that you need someone who can show
affection in ways other than just physical contact " such as
frequent
tickles, constantly holding hands, public hugs and kisses or light
touches as s/he passes by.
Next are some
customized probing questions to use "as is" or as
inspiration to
develop your own to help you explore your "affection"
needs with
potential partners:
"How do you flirt
physically
with a partner and how often do you like to?"
"Do you like to act like
a kid
and playfully wrestle or have a tickle or pillow fight with a
partner?"
"How comfortable are you
with
PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) and which kinds?"