THE CARE AND FEEDING OF YOUR PET HAM by Laura Sargent
The pet HAM is one of the most intelligent of pets, often seeming almost human, but he can also be one of the most difficult to keep. Only a person with a great deal of patience and understanding should attempt to keep a pet HAM. The following is a short guide to some of the most important things that you should know about caring for your pet HAM:
- LIVING AREA − Your pet HAM should have a private area of his own, an entire room if possible, where he will not be disturbed. He will spend many happy hours alone there with his collection of treasures: boxes, wires, bits of metal, glass, paper, plastic, etc, that he regularly brings home. He should be encouraged to confine his activities to his "nest" room in order to protect the rest of the house from his natural tendencies toward noise, clutter and making holes in the walls.
- EXPENSES − Raising your pet ham can turn into an expensive hobby but, unlike most pets, your pet HAM can be trained to work outside the home for short periods and so bring in enough money to cover part or all of his expenses.
- FEEDING − The well behaved pet HAM will be able to eat with his family on occasion, but usually feels more comfortable and secure if he can take many of his meals in the privacy of his "nest" room. It will be your responsibility to see that your pet HAM is kept well supplied with food and drink during the long periods of time that he will spend alone in his "nest" room.
- HOUSEKEEPING − Pet HAMs can be usually be trained to use the family bathroom facilities.
- OBEDIENCE TRAINING − Most pet HAMs can be trained to respond to a few simple commands, the easiest for him being "SIT!" and "SPEAK!". Once your pet HAM has learned these commands, he will sometimes practice them on his own for hours at a time.
- HEALTH CARE − The pet HAM is especially subject to minor irritiations of the lower back and a sore throat from too much sitting and speaking. The special CW breed tends to have a tired wrist rather than a sore throat, and RTTY and PACKET versions may suffer form tired eyes depending on his age and monitor.
- TRAVEL − Your pet HAM will gladly travel with you and your family if he is allowed to bring along some of his collection from his "nest" room. His favorite trips will be to places where he can associate with other pet HAMs from other families.
- BREEDING − If you plan to breed your pet HAM, you should do so as early as possible after you get him. As the pet HAM matures he becomes more and more reluctant to engage in any activities not connected with his "nest" room collection.
Laura's Note: The author is not a ham herself but does keep one at her home as a pet.
"Last month, my XYL said she'd leave me if I didn't give up ham radio. Over."
From Ward - N0AX: Q: How many DXers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them. One to change it and the rest to argue about whether it counts as a light bulb.
Note: The traditional slang term for a ham with a powerful transmitter and large antenna system is "Big Gun".
Here are my favorite responses to AB5S/7's "What a bunch of JUNK!" contest. In Dave's own words: "The point of the contest was to find the best one-sentence reply to that universally-suffered insult to our treasured ironclads."
"HONEY, Don't think of it as junk...think $$$$$ and it's yours, someday!"
- Robert Fowle
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"Junk? What junk? It's long time investment in antiques!"
- Dirk PA3GNR
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"Junk: Stuff we throw away. Stuff: Junk we keep."
- Jim Marrone
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"Junk? You would prefer I collect 19th Century farm implements?"
- W7NI Stan Griffiths
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"Junk is a Chinese boat...this is precision equipment!"
Phil Mills
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"Junk....is good"
- Henry Engstrom
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"Out this way we call debris accumulation the 'Kiss of the Junk Fairy."
- Marty AA4RM
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"You never know when you might NEED one of these."
- N2CQR/HI8 Bill Meara
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"Honey this ain't junk, this is inflation-fighter stuff. I get it at 10 cents on the dollar and wait for inflation to make it worth a dollar.
- Dube Todd
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"Boatanchors Hold Yer House Down in a Tornado!"
- Boatanchor Bob NA4G
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"One man's junk...another man's treasure... and my wife's biggest headache."
- Guy Dragoo
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"Medical research has proven that Hams as a group have a higher rate of "Keepitis" than others and can strike at any time of year. No known cure as yet."
- W1JKA (Not one of the original replies, but seems appropriate.)
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Q: What did the DX contester get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
My favorite Boatanchor bumper stickers...
- Save heavy metal - recycle a Hammarlund or Johnson!
- Firebottles Forever!
- No glass, no class!
- A Viking Challenger is NOT a Scandanavian warrior
- 73, 88, and 6146
- "What's a boatanchor?" If you have to ask, you won't understand the answer!
- Real radios glow in the dark!
- Keep your eyes on the meter and your nose off the plate cap.
- 807s for everyone!
- The Beat Frequency generation
- Honk if you love Slide Rule Dials
- I brake for Hamfests
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The Lighter Side of Ham Radio 
