FUNNY DISPATCHS 1. Maybe not too funny but strange: "Car 5631, I've got a good one for you. "5631, . . . OK. "Car 5631, check for a young female, in a mini-wedding-dress, with veil and all {much background laughter}, hitch-hiking westbound on Ela Road. "5631, . . . uh . . . OK." 2. One of the funniest things I've heard was on the vhf aero band. "DHL-1234 with you on final" Salt Lake Tower: "Roger DHL-1234, you are cleared to land runway 34 left. By the way, we were wondering if you could tell us what DHL stands for?" DHL-1234 answers without hesitation "Dewey, Huey and Louie". 3. One dispatch that I laughed at, especially since I knew the cop and the subject involved. Dispatch: We need a officer in route for a 911 call. Elderly individual has fallen, is severly hurt and is unable to get back up. Officer at scene: (laughing) Elderly subject heard me trying to open the door, got up off the floor, came and unlocked the door, and went back and laid back on the floor. This lady was always trying to get attention one way or another. 4. Heard a police dispatcher in Phoenix last year saying that there was a group of about 10 to 15 people "conjugating" on the corner of Seventh Street and Dunlap. I wasn't sure if they were practicing verb tenses or if they were possibly having a "love-in"! 5. This is probably off-topic to the scanner group, but your story reminds me of something that happened when I was covering cops in Cape Giraradeau, Mo., years ago. The police report read (and I remember it years later): "While on routine patrol of Cherry Hill, I noticed a large group surrounding a parked car. Upon investigation, I observed a couple engaged in sexual intercourse. When they completed the activity in which they were muchly engaged, I wrote them a citation for disturbing the peace." 6. I've heard this one in at least three different cities: Car 1: Car 1 to HQ, call me a wrecker. HQ: Car 1, you're a wrecker. 7. In the early 70s, I worked for a newspaper in Gastonia, N.C., where most of the auto license plates started with CL-XXXX. One of the first things I did was install scanners all over the place. One of the old-timers came up to me about a month later and said, "I've lived in Gaston county most of my life and I thought I knew just about everybody, but there's somebody the cops keep talking about that I've never met." "What do you mean?" I asked. "They keep telling the officer to go see Charlie L. Lincoln and I don't know who the hell he is." (C,charlie: L, lincoln) 8. Just heard this today on the Sheriffs Office Frequencies Police Dispatcher: Complaintant said her dishwasher is swearing at her in Italian Cop 10-4 Responding Police Dispatcher: Unsure if manual or automatic Dishwasher 9. Just last week our PD was dispatched to a report of a woman dressed in black with a black shroud over her head breaking glass on a sidewalk. This was at about 0100. The officer who ended up driving her home came on the air after dropping her off gave the usual dispo information, and added that she stated she was a "self-proclaimed satanist" who was "just walking around enjoying the full moon, and said she wouldn't put a curse on us" The officer later called the sam unit and said, "I'm oficially calling in sick for the next full moon." to which the Sergeant replied, "Don't worry, I don't think your career here will last that long" 10. A lady called the police early one morning and said she had been up all night chasing a poltergeist around her apartment and now she needed police assistance. 11. During the Christmas holidays a motel clerk called and said he left the desk shortly and when he returned there was a naked man sleeping under the Christmas tree. 12. Dispatch: Charlie 20? Officer: Charlie 20, go ahead. Dispatch: Respond to the port-a-potty in the middle of the road, Rte.57 & North. Officer: 10-4. Is it occupied? 13. Once heard an officer running a check on a long slavic type name like Kofzocolowski or similar. Officer told dispatch "common spelling". 14. While listening in Buffalo N.Y., I heard the dispatch announce that the suspect was running North on Main pushing a lawn mower. One officer responded with a chuckle that the he could see the guy mowing his way. 15. dispatcher: There's a large Rotweihler running loose at ...... officer: No problem, I'll get it. dispatcher: You're a lot braver than me! officer: What do you think partners are for!!! 16. I was a police officer for 20 years. On a cold and dark night, an officer from another town radioed this: "Central from car 68, I'll be stopping a van driven by a female, and it looks like there are 7 kids in the back, give me a plate check on XXXXXX." "10-4 car 68, your van comes back listed to a Snow White out of Wonder Lake" I swear this is true.... 17. About 15 years ago, I ran an auto tag that had what I thought was a suspicious person waiting at the rear of a local Oriental Restaurant. My dispatcher refused to give it to me over the air, and forced me to return to the station, 3 miles away to get the info. It seems that the car was registered to one "Fuk Fu"---no lie. It was also fairly common practice for a cocky green rookie to be dispatched in the middle of the night to look for a "10-71" (I think) at the local Funeral Home. Of course, the effect was no good if the dispatcher didn't convey a sense of urgency in her tone of voice as she dispatched him to go "look for a body". And its been a long time since I've heard the "older timers" talk about the time that one of them ran over a 'Possum, then later on found another cop asleep behind the wheel out in the middle of the woods. I'm sure that you might be able to guess what came next..."Sleepy cop" awoke to find himself nose to nose with "Mr. Dead 'Possum". As the story goes, "Sleepy Cop" had to pay for a new windshield after he emptied his revolver into the already dead 'Possum. 18. When I was a newspaper photographer in Athens, Ohio, I'd stop by to shoot the fat with the dispatcher late at night. There was a wide spot right in front of the courthouse that you could park if the cops knew you. One night I was making my normal visit when a car asked for a license check. "I'll save you the trouble, Andy," I told the dispatcher. "That's my new car and I'm parked right out front. He probably just doesn't recognize it." Before he could reply, the car radioed back in, "Uh, could you hurry up with the license check.... I'm in pursuit and it's running about 105 down Rt. 33." I ran out the door at that point and, you guessed it, the cop was waiting across the street to catch my reaction. 19. I never saw this myself, but there's an urban legend about a guy who had a personalized license that read, "NO TAG." Whenever he got a parking ticket the clerk would trash it because there was no way he could find the owner if the car had "no tag." 20. I remember a few years ago going down to my grandparents in San Jose for Christmas with my old Pro 33 and hearing a description of Santa and his sleigh broadcast as a BOL. This happened around midnight Christmas Eve. 21. Funniest dispatch I heard was when I was living in Concord, Ca. I lived in a bad neighborhood which the cops would sit on. Two were in the parking lot of the apartment complex, so I turned on my scanner. To an officer in another part of town came the call, "Woman reports a naked white male in front of her door, not well endowed". The guys near my place got a good laugh, and so did I. 22. Not long ago, I heard two officers discussing a female prostitute walking around town trying to find someone who would buy her baby. Being in the news business and recognizing this as news, I called dispatch to verify. It turns out I was listening to the car to car channel and one officer was simply telling the other about something he saw on TV. What I hear didn't really happen. 23. Once I heard Irving Fire dispatch an additional engine to a 3 alarm apartment fire with the instructions not to forget the marshmallows. 24. My all-time favorite is when I called dispatch after hearing that a DART bus had been involved in an accident. I called to ask if there were injuries. The dispatch supervisor (ever the jokester) said, "Are you kidding? It was a city bus wasn't it? Of course there're injuries! Everyone on that bus is sitting on the curb with one hand on his neck and the other holding a lawyer's business card!" 25. ".. we were listening to the scanner the other night and a dog had bitten a child. The 911 operator was sending police and paramedics to the scene. They reported that the dog was black, mixed breed, probably weighed about 50-60 pounds and he had left the scene on FOOT!" 26. The college I attend's campus police had a problem one day when an older student wouldn't budge about security rescueing a cat stuck up in a tree on campus. As the officer on scene got more and more frustrated he finally had the base call the local animal agencies. Dispatcher (Tim): "They don't handle cat's, only dogs." Officer: "I don't need them to come pick it up, just get it out of the tree" Dispatcher: "But they won't come out for a cat." Dispatcher: "... you're not understanding me.. they only retrieve DOGS from TREES" 27. After hearing a dispatch for a 415 disturbance the dispatcher informed the units responding that the subject is known to carry a "35mm handgun". The two officers responding started talking to each other using simplex. They were making comments about the "33mm handgun". "I wonder if it's a 24 or 36 round?" "Think it's an automatic or a manual advance?" "Probably has one hour developing" "I forgot my photo proof vest!" 28. (dispatch) "car 2, be advised, neighbor is reporting a group of six males wearing all black carrying large clubs gathered behing the Recruiting Center" (few seconds later) (SWAT team) "dispatch, this is 1280, THATS US!!" 29. How about the fire-alarms call where three officers all broke their legs? There's a cartoon circulating around the dept. with three guys lying on the ground all bandaged up and the driver shouting into his portable "Repeat! DON'T send any more help." 30. This was a few years ago, but I think it's funny. Police responding to a disabled motor vehicle Police: We have a disalbled YUGO, need a tow Dispatcher: Duty wrecker on the way Police: Wrecker has arrived, YUGO is a no-go, I'm clear 31. Two officers on a TAC channel discussing an incident that happened earlier in their watch: "There's nothing like the smell of Pepper Spray in the evening." 32. A Boeing executive jet was bringing some high mucky-mucks from Seattle to the small town of Arnprior, Ontario (site of one of their plants). Seeing an airport right beside the plant, they decided to land there instead of at the larger jet-capable airport 30 miles away. Conversation overheard between the pilot and the tower of this tiny runway: 'Tower this is blah, blah, blah jet inbound from Seattle, heavy. Request landing instructions.' (Short pause from Tower)... Acknowledged. 'Repeat after me, "Our Father, Who art in Heaven....." 33. Dispatch: Car 4, goto Safeway on Mt. View Rd for a man with no clothes on in the store. Car4: Was he tring to shoplift anything? Dispatch: Where would he put it? 34. Oak PArk Police, IL: Just for info: "57" units are Resident Beat Officers, they have their own squads and Police bikes. 57-12: EMERGENCY!!! Dispatch: Go ahaed 57-12 57-12: 57-12 Foot Pursuit EastBound on Lake Male Black just stole my bike. Dispatch: 10-4 Oak Park unit's 57-12 is in a Foot pursuit Eastbound on Lake. Male Black subject just stole his police bike. 35. Heard a call dispatched last night... A woman called in and said her next door neighbor was controlling her TV with his remote control. 36. I once heard a pilot forget to change his mic to intercom and give his entire pre-flight talk (flight time, altitude, etc.) to the passengers on the tower frequency. All the other pilots called him on the air and congradulate him. 38. I heard a dispatcher respond to a call from a person requesting an ambulance. The complaintant had been smoking pot and now he was feeling funny and wanted to go to the hospital. I heard a chuckle from the responding officer who replied "yeah, I guess it will do that to you." 39. It's funny - being dispatched to a pit bull! I, too, heard a dispatch for "person walking down the road - looks sick". I also heard one of our dispatchers paged one of our crews - "respond to a vehicle accident - car vs tree - tree won" 40. Last year, I heard the local fire dept. ladder truck dispatched to a "service call" about 2 miles away. Once they were enroute, the dispatcher contacted them with a short report as follows: "Ladder 74, you'll be seeing a woman at the address. Needs help with a combative 4 year-old male feline trapped in a tree in the front yard." Ladder 74- (laughter and meowing noises in background) "Oooookay..." 41. In Los Angeles a few months back... Dispatcher... "Unit ..., cancel Code 3...call involves a Male Bum, not a Mail Bomb." Unit... " That's a pretty serious misunderstanding." Unit ( a few seconds later) ... "Is he ticking? " 42. A Palm Beach County homicide investigator told me that when he was a rookie patrolman he responded to a Sig 4 (auto accident down here). When he arrived, he radioed dispatch that he didn't need the medics, he needed the medical examiner. His Sgt. got on the radio and reamed him out for not following procedure ending with "and who made you a doctor, anyway? What makes you so sure that the subject is dead?" "The funny way the car is sitting on his chest," he radioed back. 43. Giles County, Virginia, is in Southwest Virginia and is pretty rural and pretty Appalachian. Several months ago, the dispatcher (in her best Southwestern Virginia drawl/twang) sent the rescue squad to a home where the victim was "coughing up fleam" (rhymes with "stream"). Not once did she report this to the squad members, but several times she stressed "fleam." Don't know if she was passing on what the caller told her or if she was imparting her own medical wisdom. 44. Heard on area PD repeater the other day after a week of bad electrical storms that knocked out F1 (F1 = PD repeater; F5 = FD repeater): "Radio maintenance to headquarters on F1." "This is HQ, go ahead radio maintenance." "HQ, F1 is back in service; you can have all police units return to F1." "10-4, radio maintenance." "Unit XYZ to HQ; I wasn't aware we were on F5." "XYZ, this is HQ; we've been on F5 for five days now." "That would explain why things have been so quiet on F1, huh?" 45. Lake County, Fl. Lake County to Apopka on Intercity (155.370)..... Go ahead apopka...... Lake County, you are unreadable, there must be some clouds in the way, we will contact via landline...... June 1997 46. Officer responded to a snake on someones carport.... Officer got on scene.... "203 headquarters, snake has taken a 10-8, enroute to his nest, I'm back in service." October, 1998 List compiled from the rec.radio.scanner newsgroup by Jim Martin.