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ramjee / visms_have_colonized_me.html
>>> The ismportance of being an armed_chair_intellectual
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Had posted this offending text to the silk-list where I am a very active lurker (in normal times, that is!) - sometime in April, 2002. That was when there was a heavy brainwave and I realized to my horror that I have been colonized by a group of vile isms... just like many others on/off the web/armed_chair.
Abstract:
The origin and the development of the ism kingdom and the symbiotic
relationship that it has, with a major predatory sub-species of the human
beings called homo ismaens intellectualitis - is explored in detail. End
of the universe is predicted because of the increasing density and reach
of the ism species, if corrective measures are not taken early enough.
Keywords:
%$^ism, &(uism, @#!%^&ism, (&(*)&^ism, *&?"ism.
Paper:
First the word was there and it was uttered by a caveman afflicted by
pensive ennui, sitting on a boulder (colarado) one sunny morning (of
course, rest of his tribe were out, busy working their posteriors off);
and the word was ism.
Years passed by.
For those who came in late, the caveman's verbal arsenal primarily
consisted of an appendage called ism which he retrofitted to every other
word that he coined - like rockism, arockism, workism, aworkism and so
forth...
Y e a r s parsed by...
These ismatic words got accumulated and multiplied and they gained a
momentum and life of their own; some groups of these migratory words
found some posturing practitioners and willing interns of the ismatic
cult (homo ismaens intellectualitis); they promptly put themselves into
the wide open mouths of these homo ismaeans. On a related note, it was
not a matter of surprise that the cult members were almost exclusively
adult males with thunderous bellies, snarls and stinking mouths. This is
because, the more lean and mobile male human beings and the busy
womenfolk had important things to do *and* fend for the comfort of the
cult members; this was unfortunate but true because, otherwise, the cult
members would then have targeted the normal population and made them
totally miserable with their harrangues. As it is the ROP (rest of the
population) had a tough time with the cultists as the latter insisted on
communicating (instead of talking), interacting (instead of discussing),
networking (instead of befriending) etc, thus making normal conversation
impossible.
Getting back to our isms, they liked to move about with gay abandon,
instead of getting lodged in the brain or getting parserly processed; the
reason was/is, they were terrified of being found out for what they are
actually worth, even as a token measure.
So, they perfected the art of staying well within the confines of
cavernous mouths where they were happily listening to their own echoes,
lustily crass fertilizing each other, resulting in more such orgisms.
They had various ways by which to ensure this, like:
* allowing conjugal and hidden relationships among isms to develop,
* developing cohesive and tightly coupled taxonomic structures,
* suitably impregnating the existing isms with neo, post, pre, poly,
mono, proto prepends etc.
For example, there is this atheism (which actually is a belief in
non-something) and there is this theism (which actually is a belief in
non_atheism) - whereas, actually the hidden abstract base class for these
two classes of isms is beliefism, which rarely gets acknowledged.
However, as human brains had been in existence before the arrival of the
cult, they invariably pickout the strains of the beliefism and begin to
process it; but then, the rest of the isms lodged in the mouth physically
pull back these abstract/base/hidden isms from the brain, using the ways
mentioned in the aforesaid bulletted paragraph. And then, the hapless
brains wait for a few minutes, sadly time out and close the connection.
Typically, even if a brain is successful at regaining control, which is
sometimes the case, it is soon lost in processing elaborate cyclic
redundancies in the taxonomical relationships of isms - and of course
this is what the vile isms want!
It is obvious from the above explanation that isms manage to stay where
they are - in the caverns of the loudmouths, that is.
Obviously these isms needed some fresh air to live, as the atmosphere in
the dank mouths was humid and tepid with the heat generated by various
isms moving about rubbing shoulders with each other (resulting in
rhumatism) or fighting with each other (resulting in schism).
So, time and again the carriers - homo ismaens intellectualitis - were
made to open their mouths by giving them an urge to express a very
learned and scholarly opinion on each and everything under the sun,
whether they even remotely had the grasp/capability to do so or not.
For this purpose, these isms secreted a harmone called ismulin which was
periodically released to the tongues of the carriers, except when the
latter were in deep sleep, which anyway amounted to about 10 minutes
(MTTR) everyday. Typically, in a normal adult male, ismulin sets the
tongues wagging at a frequency of 5 Hz within 2 nanoseconds of ismulin
release, and the turbulence created thus within the oral cavity, enabled
some high energy isms to escape.
And when a carrier (member of the ismatic cult) wanted to talk,
invariably a couple of these isms went out and managed to get into
someone else's wannabe loudmouth, pollutinating the other set of isms
present there.
So, the natural selection ensured that only the fittest survived and
propagated - like anarchism, for example.
Meanwhile, ergonomism also was getting prominent and the perches of the
ismatic cult members got more and more comfortable with the rounding off
errors having gotten the better of spherical rocks - and lo and behold,
there was this cubicle boulder, which was pretty cosy.
And then, the perches were even beginning to have arms. This helped the
ismatic cultists to park their arms (that is, without the necessity to
wave them about, constantly making various points in the air, which, when
joined almost always created a big, but a beautiful zero) and conserve
their energy for mounting more ismatic assaults on the unwary passers by.
However, these armed chairs also helped the ROP/civilization to grow
normally in the sense that, they reduced the number of normal people who
were otherwise inadvertantly getting killed by the rapidly moving fists
and jabbing fingers of these ismtellectuals. On a historical aside, it
is a well documented fact that the ism originator (from Colorado) was
derisively called as an ineffectual by his tribe and that due to the
machinations of the vile isms, the nomenclature changed to intellectual.
This is because the isms had realized early on that their welfare
depended on the welfare of homo ismaens intellectualitis species!
However, though the armed chair ismtellectuals were contained within the
confines of their perches, they unfortunately multiplied, nonetheless; it
is beyond the scope of the research, but there is a mounting corpus of
evidence to show that these isms - actually can breed their carriers. It
is also generally agreed that the ismtellectuals are actually cloned by
isms. See sidebar1 for more details.
sidebar1
It is suggested that we can differentiate between ismtellectuals and real
people by observing them from a safe distance. A summary of primary
differences is furnished in the following table. (table 1)
Table1
Homo sapiens sapiens / ROP instances (real):
1. Will not shy away from action, if there is a need.
2. Will let the actions speak for themselves.
3. Will work for solving the problems.
4. Will create a garden, if one wants to.
5. Will help others if they ask.
6. In the context of the Internet, they use it on a need-to-know basis.
And typically they pay for the connection.
7. They like their voice (also).
8. Instead of merely complaining about something, they go ahead and try
to solve them.
Homo ismaens intellectualitis (clone):
1. Will shy away from action, even if there is a need.
2. Will let speech act for themselves
3. Will work for the perpetuation of problems - because it they are
solved (1) they are either jobless and so have to find a new problem and
*that's* hardwork or worse still (2) the real people would want them to
do *real* work.
4. Will talk about gardening, its various varieties including
permaculture, organic - their merits, demerits - good and bad practices
etc - all from the convenience of of a cushion chair, thus proving that
the they are the most persistent pests of gardeners.
5. Will profer to help others primarily by advicing ad nauseam, even if
others don't want/need it.
6. In the context of the Internet, they use it all the time whether it is
needed or not; typical usage patterns could evolve around ismtant
messaging, email etc. And, typically these clones being primarily
parasitical, use the work/office provided connectivity / system for their
ism spreading purposes.
7. They like their voice, period.
8. They have a propensity to complain about everything, and if they have
none, they'll complain about this unfortunate fact too. Sniff :-(
Imperialism, Colonialism, Evangelism etc pissed by on ROP and continued.
To start with, the advent of printing created transmission and
propagation problems for isms. Because, till printed books came about,
the isms were able to spread by word-off-mouth.
However these problems were shortlived; much to their delight, the isms
found out that their spread actually grew exponentially with new fangled
isms like orientalism to existentialism to dadaism to . The wannabe cult
members swallowed all the isms - kook, slime and blinker - as the ismulin
continued to work wonders with the tongues, and words continued to pour
out of the oral cavities of homo ismaens intellectualitis, whether there
was something to be conveyed or not. In other words, it was business as
usual for isms.
Aeons passed by. And, s l o w l y communication channels changed!
Over the previous century, telephone came and took the world by storm.
Unfortunately, this transmission mode was not useful for the gainful
spreading of isms as it was relatively costly to use and the real human
beings had a lot of real work to do using telephones. Therefore, the
species called homo ismaens intellectualitis had to make do with the
spread of printed works and through them, the isms.
However, at this particular point in time, the armed chairs also
increased in numbers and functionality. For example, now they had nice
and soft cushions to park the generous posteriors of homo ismaens
intellectualitis. This development probably resulted in the rapid
expansion in the ranks of this species - thereby creating a whole new
industry, vending soft skills.
Sidebar2
Historism:
As a historical aside, over the past few centuries, in India, the spread
of isms in the realm of religion was also rampant. The printed word and
the colonialism resulted in the craving for more isms in India - so much
so that a new religion was invented - it was named by the british as the
religion practiced by the gentoos of hindoostan and was named 'hinduism!'
The spread of isms, have a lot of side effects - like for example for the
following connotations:
* Western / occidentalism - modern values, development, prosperity,
health.
* Orientalism - ancient superstitions, feudalism, famine, pestilence.
Getting back to my original line of thesis, - then came horde after
horde of armedchair ismtellectuals who invaded every known domain of
human knowledge.
However, much to the dislike of a prominent sub-sect of ism called
luddism, there was a heavy march of technology with the advent of the
TCP/IP protocol suite. So this group conspired to actualy implement the
suite as transmism control protocol and ismnet protocol - this in fact,
continues to be a closely held, bust crypt secret till date!
There was also yet another onslaught on the lodges of freeisms - by way
of wireless transmissions. And alas, once again isms conspired to see
that they retained their ways of survival by getting a strange band of
frequencies allocated all for themselves. It is called the ISM band.
And then came the PCs, the web and the swivel chair, lowerback pain,
piles - the works.
And then, thanks to Salman Rushdie, Moor's lost .sig was found and it
transpired that the population of isms would double every 18 months
whereas the drones that acted as the carriers of isms would double up and
sleep on the keyboards every 18 minutes. It was a win-win (more popularly
known as MS-WIN) situation for the vile isms because, it prevented the
ranks of homo ismaens intellectualitis, from going out and getting a
life.
Then WWW came to pass and the members of homo ismaens intellectualitis
swooned over their keyboards with extreme delight! There was their
insatiable and monstrous urge to consume information for the specific
purposes of showing-off _and_ bang, here was this wierd web world that
served up all their needs. Suddenly it was very easy to have an opinion
and be anonymous if need be, and pontifcate on *all* aspects of life -
universe and everything. 42. 402. fnord. Suddenly the isms could use
their hidden TCP/IP suite and propagate merrily.
Sidebar3 gives an example of the chaotic order of ism propelled
propositions for pontification by the ismatic cult members.
Sidebar3
An example of the complexity of the order of of Ismaetic assertions (and
I assert that you cant dispute them) that would be defended to death (of
yours that is, silly) by a typical cult member is furnished hereunder:
I have taken the popular example of Wagner and Hitler.
Level 1: Hitler liked Wagner's music - therefore Wagner was a Nazi.
Level 2: Wagner had a servant maid at home for help with some chores -
therefore he believed in the concept of a master; he also had heard about
various races (including that of horses) - therefore he believed in a
master race.
Level 3: Wagner was an incorrigible composer and worked for long hours -
arbeit macht frei - therefore he was responsible for tragedies like
Oswiecim et al.
Level 4: Wagner wrote many an opera - therefore Hakon Wium Lie is a
reincarnation of Wagner.
Obviously, anyone disagreeing with the above assertions are committing a
phallusy. It is freudianism, stupid.
It was another coup of sorts when an elite band of anarco-syndical-isms
developed an ism chain management (ICM) firmware and were able to make
the sapless carriers, type into the keyboards as per their vile diktats.
In this process, some highly specialized organ-isms (handler-isms)
evolved and were able to reside on the fingertips of the carriers. This
made the isms very happy in the sense that without the earlier necessity
of making the carriers open their mouth, there was a transmism of ismatic
data to the fingertips whereupon the handler-isms made the finger nerves
tickle and urged them to type what the isms thought about a particular
data. So the isms were/are even able to collaborate over the web.
Getting back to my thesis - at the same time oral cavity resident isms
produced another version of ismulin called ismulin XP (eXtended
Perception) which sent okay messages to neurons who had the
responsibility for creating and maintaining various forms of smugness in
their carriers - like smfx (smug facial expressions), smails (smug
emails), ssmilies (smug smilies - like }}}}}}}}{:-@ - signifying basket
loads of wisdom carried by a person with an all-knowing-scowl).
Alas, little did the carriers (This condition of the carriers is known as
'finger and mouth' syndrome) - realize that they were not actually
sending and opining on various kinds of information that they were
ponficating on - but the vile isms were. Sadly for the rest of the human
population, the ismatic conspiracy continues to this day, wherein the
carriers continue to respond to situations in a preordained manner, as
closely monitored by the isms of the lodges of the oral cavity and that
of fingertips - ably aided by their minions, ismulin and ismulin XP -
*and* completely byepassing the brain...
But then, I am digressing.
Then came the mother of all isms - googlism and and isn't life getting
better and better, oh boy! If someone asks a question on Maria Rilke or
the Lost Crops of Africa or Lady Murasaki - fire up google - get some
data - do a cursory content change - submit stuff! To respond to this
fast changing situation of the search scape, the grand committee of
clueful isms (GCC-ism) spawned a set of specialized slew of vile isms
which had google toolbars embedded within them and who called themselves
'isms with a googlitude (iWag).' So while a few iWags did the specialized
task of searching ismemes on the web, the rest of the isms worked as per
the ICM protocol, satisfying the cravings of the carriers in specific
ways.
Lately there is also an offshoot of the ismatic conspiracy called iICM
(Internet ism chain management) protocol, over which various community
oriented superstuctures were developed subsuming the carriers. As part of
the implemented standards of this protocol, there are various
psycho_anarco implicit needs of the cult members which are sought to be
fulfilled; for example, there is this list-bonding where, various members
of homo ismaens intellectualitis who share the same set of isms, hangout
and exchange data about best-of-breed isms, in the comfarting confines of
their own list; this furthers the evolution of isms and other mutant
versions.
It is my learned opinion that isms, as of late 20th century had been
changing their ways; this I believe is a strategic shift in their
approach, as they don't explicitly name themselves as some form of ism
anymore. In fact, they studiously avoid that. Take for example, the
obviously and very linearly linked subjects like - goods and services,
supply chain management, customer relationship management, market
segmentation, divide et empera, liberation theology, marx's groucho,
religin, linux, cannabis, andean potato, mickey donald karma cola,
microsoft(tm), world damnation, .net, spiderman, black widow, human
rights, structural adjustment, exlistsentielism, jean paul belmondo,
deconstruction, international bank for deconstruction and development,
third world, coitus indebtus, operation enduring fiefdom, afghanistan,
warlord of the rings, saturn rocket, star TV, sun java, yeast timor,
anthrax, illuminati, foot & mouth disease, foreign hand, multinotionals,
FMCG, GDP, Foreign exchange, Tobin lagaan, Oscar, Hollywood, Tree-cover,
Green peas, Enronment, Wail street, Economics, fundamentals,
fundamentalism, secularism, Al (quaida capone gore), Si (valley),
employee shock options, narcomedia, simulated real mockup viruality, hype
text transfer protocol, adult content, web cervixes, UDDI women, SOAP,
health traditions, biodiversity, texonomy, fluridden ballot, RodentEnron
Bush fires, Andersen's insulting burns, zai holes, zaibatsus, and what
have you, not including that great (but not very well researched) ism
called deskutopianism.
All these are actually various strains of isms which are in the garb of
innocuous or cryptic words and are very tightly related eachother in ways
that are transparent to unsuspecting members of homo ismaens
intellectualitis.
In case, the above paragraphs are not clear, I would cite a popular
example of homo ismaens intellectualitis - Ms. Arundhati Roy - she is
famous for having bagged the 'Booker' award for a novel called "The God
of small things;" However, little does she know that a set of isms have
colonized her - resulting in the shadowy and dreaded 'finger and mouth'
disease. So over a period of a few years, the isms have made her claim
that she is an expert on monetary and fiscal macro economic policies,
unclear physics, dams, jurisprudence and wait - there is another -
"prison reforms" (am sure about the last one because she was lodged in a
prison for a day a few weeks back).
To cut the gory explanation short, the isms always show a tendency to
make their carriers believe that, just because he/she feels that he/she
has achieved some notoriety in some particular areas of life, she/he is
quite capable of pontificating ad nauseam on any subject under any star
in a very sirius manner. To give one more elucidatory example, I would
like to mention the case of the dime_a_dozen self proclaimed geeks who
routinely suffer from the 'finger and mouth' disease; It is ailmentary,
watson.
Future of the world:
The following is a pessimistic set of views, but views nonetheless; there
are various ways by which end could come about, like for example:
1. The carrier clones would continue to flood the world with clueless
bits on all subjects creating 100 million gazillion copies and variants
of the same information and can thus create megatonnes of free electrons,
making the earth spin slower and slower and finally stop.
2. Sufficient number of high pedigree genes may not be available as
freely as they should to the world - because of an increasing no of
drones aka carriers. This may result in the gradual decrease in the
population.
3. It is possible that homo ismaens intellectualitis species (males)
could get devolve or reduced to a set of mouth+keyboard typing hands (+
an additional hand for handling the mouse) with no additional or
unnecessary parts like brain, reproductive organs etc; this scenario
should be a blessing in disguise for the rest of the population, though.
However, I am happy to say that insurrection type 'take over of the world
' is not possible by the carrier clones, primarily because the lethargy
that characterizes them. See sidebar1.
Suggestions:
It is important for the real people to take cognizance of the spread of
isms and that of the cloned carriers. If a particular individual tests
positive to even one of the signs of the characteristic attributes of
homo ismaens intellectualitis (sidebar1) then it is better to be beyond a
radius of 10 meters from the species - if it is physically present near
one. If one gets an email from an ism carrier, then it is better to send
it to dev/null.
Conclusion (scholarly):
As this deep thesis comes to a close (at the beginning of the 21st
century), let me summarize the main points.
1. The world moved on because of the offspring the group which went out
and got a life on one sunny morning day a few millennia back.
2. Meanwhile the members of the learned species of homo ismaens
intellectualitis make merry. However as per Hegelism (uh oh) there is
this thesis-antithesis-synthesis business - and some antithesis is
required for reaching a higher level of systhesis. So, may be, just may
be - the members of this species are a historical necessity.
3. It is not that the members of the said species - homo ismaens
intellectualitis - are totally useless, as they make a good organic
manure if buried (preferably alive) - and then turned over every 2 months
with a healthy squirt of aqua regia - in under 1 year.
Conclusion (real):
Go, get a life ... fast.
PS: This is the first draft. I suspect that it is a result of a
diversionary tactic by the isms which have obviously made me write and
post this, just to deflect criticism - eeeks! THAT's another ism!!
PPS: Comments, flames are welcome.
Please send me ([email protected])
your comments
all rites reversed 2002 ramjee
(ramjee swaminathan)
11:07 5/21/02