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ramjee / interview_species.html
>>> True confessions of a reluctant interviewer : ver 1.0...
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Had posted this stuff on the Usenet (sci and scik, I think) - a few years back. Am reproducing the stuff for your edification. One day, I hope to (Dar)win an ignoble prize for this highly original dissertation.
Okay, here goes...
I intend chronicling my close encounters with the species called Programmerus
Mediocritus of the genus called Ignoramus Indicus. To start with, I've
listed out a few characteristics of a few prominent strains... Please note
that serious offence IS thus MEANT at this horde of dingbat programmers for
whom I have very little respect...
Of course, exceptions are there (for example, I have interviewed more than 200
guys over the last one year, and mebbe found about 6 guys to my satisfaction;
mind you, I'm NOT a computer guru either) but then, they once again end up
proving the general principle.
There are many strains of this species which are currently available, not to
ignore the fact that some amount of cross (crass?) fertilization is possible;
however, the author is waiting to complete his 1000th interview so that he can
give a more exhaustive (meaning, exasperated / exhausted ) listing...
Meantime fellas, please go trough the following character sketches / strains
and stay tuned (Note that, as for as possible (subject to my advancing
senility) I have tried to retain the original flavours)...
Dhananjaya Pissicus Missicus
This strain ALWAYS has the buzzwords MIS (Management Information System) or
PIS (Personal/Personnel Information System) in its resume, at least thrice per
page and claims to have done all kinds of wonderful stuff.
However, when you want to delve deeper into the world of PIS and MIS,
obviously this wunderkind says the project was not HIS - that is, not his. You
start HISsing at this strain but it completely MISses the point and you
realize quite lately that something is aMISs...
Precaution: Please visit the loo juzz before the interview so that midway
through the interview you don't get *that* urge...
Subramaniam Accentus Conventus
This strain generally is native to places south of Tirupathi beyond which it
wouldn't have generally ventured out at all; but, due to certain
crass-cultural influences like STARe-TV, it picks up some very heavy accent in
English - That the accent will keep dynamically and wildly fluctuating between
Kumbakonam and Houston is well known; to elucidate further, the strain will
perform simple harmonic oscillation voice-overs between biratharr to bzhothezh
with the arithmetic mean being brother.
This strain diverts your attention from the substance of communication to the
deciphering of a medley of accents - so, it will be better to keep this
strain away; however, it will fill you with wonderment - you wonder how on
earth it developed this accent...
Precaution: Please listen to the "Voice of America" and "Kumbakonam AIR
station" and "Radio Burkina Faso" the day before the interview; it does help.
Subbulakshmana Computeritis
A typical strain of this completes its B.Tech and Possible M.Tech in CS or in
EE or in EC in one of the 134,567 (AND still growing) Engineering Colleges in
Tamilnadu, Karnataka and Andhrapradesh; it has a very healthy attitude of
'distrusting the obvious' and this attitude comes out nicely in the
interviews; for example, for a simple question on 'garbage collection' it
will say that "this(!) algorithm(!!) is used to clean objects from the hard
disk, after the machine is switched off." While you look at its creativity and
wonder what's happening, it will brandish its gilt-edged certificates and make
you gasp.
Precautions: You should have a clear, receptive mind to listen to good natured
banter and forget ALL about CompSci.
Gurupadappa rAPeTECHus NIITus
A normal specimen belonging to this strain has ALL the buzzwords (totaling to
a minimum of 2.5 MB) in his resume and claims to have certifications of low,
medium and advanced curricula from all the combuter coaching institutes; it is
advisable for you to go through such resumes once a while to get to know what
the current buzz words are...
This specimen lets out a torrent of related buzz words for ANY of your
questions and any further question will give you an additional torrent.
You can keep on recursively buzzwording without getting anywhere near any
known-territory and without going anywhere near the *dangerous* areas of
knowledge...
Precaution: A good pair of earplugs will be in order.
Gundujohn Despovus
This strain is bothered only about going to US of A; and has all statistics
about the dreamland in its fingertips... It views ONLY Jay Leno and Oprah
shows and knows the comparative figures of apartment rental rates in all
counties in California AND the price of MTR Sambar powder in the east, middle
and west coasts...
It keeps on converting the cost of anything, be it magazines or dahi-vadas, to
dollars incessantly... To any question on C++, it will give you the cost of
the VC++ tool with prompt conversion to Indian Rupees.
Precaution: You should positively restrain yourself from converting over to
this strain.
Muthuswamy Murugan Apologeticus
This strain starts the interview by apologizing for coming late and continues
with apologizing for knowing that C++ is not a memory capsule, apologizing for
pontificating that (C++) - (++) = C, apologizing for coming from a villagish
background, apologizing for getting through the B.Tech exams after only 13
years of toil and so on...
Finally, you start apologizing for not being in a position to take him and
THEN, it starts crying while at the same time apologizing for crying; your
colleagues give you cold stares for making such a grownup species cry and YOU
start apologizing to everyone...
Precautions: One should carry some heavy turkish towels, for the purposes of
wiping after the interview, the pools and puddles of tears spread across the
table and floor. Some rudimental knowledge of swimming does help to enable you
to cross the troubled waters.
Ammini Nervousness
This strain does not talk at all; for the first ten minutes, it will be very
busy adjusting the specs, twiddling the sleeve buttons, repositioning the
duppatta, fiddling with the handbag, refolding the hand-kerchief, hunting for
a pen, looking at the watch, leafing through the certificates, giving you all
the time some very heavy soulful and pitiable gaze...
So, finally, just to reduce the tension, you ask the strain how the weather is
in Bangalore AND it says "Hmm, ahmm, no, er, what, me, NO, ME, I mean, we are,
hmmmm, basically, C++, Kerala, inheritance, eeekks, Sorry, OOPS, polypropyl
alcohol, ooops, polymorphism..." AND, you are totally lost...
All questions sharply begin and bluntly end like this... All the time the
nervousness of the strain keeps exponentially increasing and at a particular
point of time you start twiddling YOUR thumb.
Precaution: Please take care to bandage YOUR thumb so that you don�t get
thumbstruck later...
Satish Kulkarnius Gasseous
This strain does not believe in one/two words and HAS to use 'I did that' or
'I did this' at least once in every sentence; it massively enjoys gassing and
comes up with answers (for very techie questions) on the fly and so lets out
as a matter of routine, at least 3 litres of gas per sentence, so much so
that, a mere switching-on at some electrical panel board at the time of the
interview, could result in mighty blasts.
Precautions: Please switch on the fan, light etc., BEFORE the interview
begins; and wear a gas mask, just in case, lest the noxious fumes get into
your lungs.
Gundaala Ramarao Graphicus
This strain, after introducing itself, asks for a notepad; then, it starts
lecturing to you giving you all kinds of kinky diagrams and stuff, without
even allowing you to breath. Any doubts raised by you will result in the
scribbling away to glory of more and more of diagrams - of blocks, circles,
rectangles, arrow-marks - and in ten minutes flat your notepad ends up getting
devoured by this papyrusvore.
If you ever commit the mistake of asking what, say, this DONKEY means, then it
says 'Distributed Object Nintendo Key Encryption Ydiom' and very thoroughly
flummoxes you.
While you desperately want to run for your dear life, to top it all, this
strain uses some very domain specific abbreviations like CAT, RAT, LION etc
all with their OWN information technology sounding abbreviations to boot.
Precautions: Please don�t have a stock of papers / notepads within a radius of
500 metres from the interview site.
Appalaswamy Nonstop Nonsensicus
This strain tends to be very communicative but the process forked by it
happens to assume topmost priority and it does not allow other threads to run
at all, including that of yours... When the strain talks like "Yeah, what you
say is true, but, not without considering the fact that, it may not really be
impossible for the operator to operate upon the operand, it may still be
possible to a minimum possible maximum extent that the operands cannot be
operated upon by the operator..." While you are busy trying to understand the
contrapositives and decipher what the hell is going on, the strain launches
another valiant offensive on you...
Precautions: Take another guy, preferably junior to you on the interview
panel; run to the toilet, clutching your abdomen to escape the onslaught and
have the *other* guy interview panel suffer this strain...
Maulvicus IIScus PhDus
This sub species considers itself to be a `technokraut' having obtained a
doctorate on compassionate grounds from the hollowed halls of IISc in a very
short span of 250 years of slog.
Typically older than the others, it has had more time to practice the IIScian
technique of acting as if every other person it meets is a nincompoop --
offense, they say, is the best form of defense.
Its answers will be as content-free as the other strains, only the delivery
will have verve and polish and will be close to art.
This strain is interested only in technical leadership roles. It will not have
done any work on any real computer in its life. It will talk about crushing
the ego of its juniors in order to make them accept its commands.
Precautions: A degree from one of the *hollowed* IITs is useful in bouncing back
this strain�s subtle innuendo that it knows more than you. Other strategies
are to keep staring at its pot belly and smiling faintly whenever it quivers.
Hurryharan VeriBusicus
This strain starts off with the interview by looking at its watch very
attentively and says it does not have much time, in spite of being very much
interested in taking the interview...
You then start off the regular session by asking it about its family
background or some such thing; THEN you realize that it is part of an extended
family of only 2073 members, each of whom, the strain wishes to describe in
detail... You chip in at the description of the aunt of the nephew of the
niece of the strain, twice removed and ask what a virtual function is... THEN
the strain says the it has something urgent to do and would it please be
allowed to get out NOW...
Then, you thank the strain for spending its valuable time with you and ask it
as to what it has to do SO urgently.... AND it starts of staying that it has
to go to Jayanagar 4th Block to do this, JP Nagar - to do that, MG Road - to
do this, Richmond circle - to do that, ad nauseam...
You get a feeling that, if this strain does not consider the interview to be
very important, then, probably it is a good(!) programmer and all... Sadly,
you realize that (if you have taken the unfortunate decision of recruiting it)
it was simply trying to escape the techie questions afterall...
Precaution: It will be better to jettison the strain at the first go itself...
Ahem... One can go on and on, but it is very stressful to write about these strains,
so I might as well stop here; further, it is time for me to do some more quick
interviewing - so fellas, please wish me good luck. 8-)!
Lessons of this write-up:
* If you are unfortunate enough to be in a position to interview guys
incessantly, blackmail your employer to shift you to some other assignment /
role...
* If you are queasy about blackmailing others, call in sick at the very last
moment.
* If not, wear a face mask with a programmeresque stupid grin or better still
a burkha - you can casually snore away to glory behind these contraptions.
* Get hold of a loyal junior bhakra, who has to depend on you (remember:
performance appraisals) to go up the corporate ladder, and make him suffer
through the process/interviews.
* If all these strategies do not work-out, for godssake don't select instances
of the above strains; horror of all horrors, mebbe you'll have to work with
them. (This idea and the description of the "Maulvicus IIScus PhDus" have been
contributed by my dear pal Koshy).
Ramjee.
Postscript:
Gawd! - these programmers (including myself) always get on my nerves...
However, coming to think of it, don�t these jokers also provide helluva lot of
fun ?
The story of the fellow-interviewers and the walk-in melas are not all that
different either - but then, they have to wait for some time... ;-)
all rites reversed 2002 ramjee
(ramjee swaminathan)
11:59 6/7/02