I hope that these collected "humorous stories" will help to relax the atmosphere. Let us remind each other that we are all human and let us laugh together. When we see each other as brothers in infirmity, maybe the danger of becoming "enemies" has at least diminished.
Many people, who have been hugely influenced by negative media stereotypes of Muslims, believe that Muslims are not humorous people. Contrary to this belief, Muslims actually enjoy a laugh!! Although after saying this, Muslims do abide by some basic rules on making jokes (such as humour being within the limits of Islamic tolerance, and not going beyond the bounds of truth.)
Below are a nice collection of Islamic ancedotes and humorous stories. Most of the stories below are of a well-known and much-loved folk hero throughout the Muslim world - Mullah Nasruddin. To read into this further, please read The Muslim Has a Sense of Humour.
Nasruddin and the Woman
A woman is on her balcony, on the 12th floor, when she falls off. As she is falling Father O'Reilly catches her from his balcony on the 9th floor. Grateful for saving her, she says, "oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll do anything for you!"
Father O'Reilly says, "okay then, sleep with me!"
"In your dream you pig!" the woman replies.
"Fine," says Father O'Reilly shrugging his shoulder and he lets go of her.
As the woman is falling again, Rabbi Goldberg catches her from his balcony on the 6th floor. Again, being grateful, she says, "oh thank you, you saved me, I'll do anything that you ask!"
Rabbi Goldberg says, "okay then, sleep with me!"
"You must be joking you ape!" the woman replies.
"Well good bye then," says Rabbi Goldberg and he lets go of her.
Now as she is falling, yet again, she thinks to herself it would have been better if she had slept with either the Rabbi or the Priest. But as luck would have it, she lands in the arms of Mullah Nasruddin who is standing on his balcony on the 3rd floor. She cuts to the point, "thank you handsome, you saved my life, I'll sleep with you!"
"Astaqfirullah!" gasps Mullah Nasruddin and he lets go of her.
Nasruddin's Help Mullah Nasruddin and his wife are sound asleep in bed when there's a knock on the door.
Mullah Nasruddin rolls over and looks at the clock. I'm not getting out of bed at this time, he thinks to himself, and he rolls back over again. Then, a louder knock follows with another knock and another. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's Father O'Reilly standing on the door step. It doesn't take long for Mullah Nasruddin to realise that Father O'Reilly is drunk."Over here, on the swings mate."
"Listen," slurs Father O'Reilly, "you couldn't give us a push, could you mate?"
"Get lost!" says Mullah Nasruddin angrily. "It's almost 3 in the morning!" and he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife who was at the door and what he wanted. To which his wife says: "That wasn't very nice, remember that time when we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on someone else's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But Father O'Reilly's drunk," Mullah Nasruddin points out quickly.
"Well," says the wife, "he still needs our help and it would be un-Islamic not to help him."
So Mullah Nasruddin gets out of bed, gets dressed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and not being able to see Father O'Reilly anywhere, he says in a loud voice: "Father O'Reilly you still need a push?"
"Yeah, please mate!" a voice answers back from an unknown direction.
Not being able to locate Father O'Reilly, Mullah Nasruddin shouts: "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!"
Nasruddin and Goldberg go Fishing
Mullah Nasruddin decides to go fishing. He calls upon his good friend Rabbi Goldberg, gets the poles and bait together, rents a small rowboat at the local harbour, and off to sea they sail.
After an amazing afternoon of fishing, the two men have caught thirty fish. An elated Mullah Nasruddin says to Rabbi Goldberg, "better mark this spot so we can come here tomorrow!"
The next day Mullah Nasruddin meets up with Rabbi Goldberg at the rental harbor for another day of fishing.
"Did you mark the spot?" Mullah Nasruddin asks Rabbi Goldberg confidentially.
"Of course," replies Rabbi Goldberg, "I painted a big white X on the bottom of the rowboat."
"You fool!" shouts Mullah Nasruddin slapping his forehead, "what if we can't rent that same boat today?"
Circumcision Problems David, Rabbi Goldberg's son, and Ali, Mullah Nasruddin's son, are having a conversation.
Ali: Guess what?
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: What they gonna do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: Man ... I had that done only a week after I was born!
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
Just in case you didn't know, Jewish boys are circumcised 7 days after they are born and Muslim boys are circumcised usually years later.
The Delusional Man (9th century joke) A certain man claims to be God and is brought before the Caliph, who says to him, "last year someone here claimed to be a prophet and he was put to death!"
The man replies, "it was well that you did so, for I did not send him."
The False Prophet (9th century joke) A certain man claims to be a prophet and is brought before the Sultan, who says to him, "I bear witness that you are a stupid prophet!"
The man replies, "that is why I have only been sent to people like you."
Goldberg and the Arabs "When I was in Israel last year," boasts Rabbi Goldberg, "I caused an entire gang of Arab hoodlums to run."
"Exactly how?!" demands Mullah Nasruddin.
"Easy. I just ran, and they ran after me."
Nasruddin And The Judge One day, Rabbi Goldberg passes by a restaurant. He is tired and hungry, for he has had nothing to eat all day. His nostrils catch the smell of the delicious food being cooked inside. He stops and sniffs, smiles sadly and begins to walk away. But he does not get far. The owner of the restaurant, Father O'Reilly comes storming out into the street. "Come here!" he yells, "I saw that! You took the smell of my food, and you'll have to pay for it!"
Rabbi Goldberg does not know what to do. "I can't pay!" he stammers. "I've got no money!"
"No money!" shouts Father O'Reilly. "We'll see about that! You're coming with me to the judge!" Naturally, Rabbi Goldberg is frightened.
"Hmm," says the judge, when he has heard the story. "Well, this is an unusual case. Let me think. Come back tomorrow, and I'll pronounce the sentence."
What could Rabbi Goldberg do? He knows whatever sum the judge demands, payment is impossible. All night long he tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
When dawn comes he makes his way to the court. As he passes by a mosque he spots a familiar figure, Mullah Nasruddin. His heart lifts. For he knows that Mullah Nasruddin is a clever man, who would be able to think of a way around the problem. He pours out his story, and Mullah Nasruddin agrees to come to the court and speak for him.
Father O'Reilly is already at the court, chatting with the judge. Rabbi Goldberg sees that they are friends, and fears the judgment will go against him. He is right. The judge begins heaping insults upon him as soon as he sees him, and orders him to pay a large sum of money. At once, Mullah Nasruddin steps forward. "This man is a good friend of mines. Allow me to pay in his place," says Mullah Nassruddin.
Mullah Nasruddin takes a small bag of coins from his belt and holds it next to Father O'Reilly's ear. He shakes the bag so that the coins jingle. "Can you hear that?" asks Mullah Nasruddin.
"Of course," replies Father O'Reilly, impatiently.
"Well, that is your payment," says Mullah Nasruddin. "My friend here, has sniffed your food, and you have heard his money. The debt is paid."
And, in the face of such an argument, the case is settled and Rabbi Goldberg went free.
The Big Debate Back 10 centuries ago, just before the crusade is launched, the Pope decides that all the Muslims have to leave Jerusalem peacefully or there would be bloodshed. Naturally there is a big uproar from the Muslim community. So the Pope strikes a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Muslim community. If the Muslim won the debate, all the Muslims can stay. If the Pope won, all the Muslims would have to leave.
The Muslims realise that they have no choice. They look around for a champion who can defend their faith, but no one wants to volunteer. It's too risky. But they do finally pick their representative, an old Mullah who unknowingly agrees without knowing what he is getting himself into. He agrees on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but communicate by miming as he is deaf. The Pope agrees.
The day of the great debate comes. The Mullah and the Pope sit opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raises his hand and shows three fingers. The Mullah raises his middle finger.
The Pope waves his fingers in a circle around his head. The Mullah points to the ground and stamps his right foot.
The Pope pulls out a wafer and a glass of wine. The Mullah pulls out an apple. The Pope stands up and says, "I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims can stay."
An hour later, the cardials are all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope says, "first I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and stamping his feet, telling me that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Muslim community have crowded around the old Mullah in total astonishmen. "What happened?" they ask. "Well," says the Mullah, "first, he said we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him up yours. Then he said that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims. I told him none of us leaving this land!"
"And then?' asks a woman."
"He took out his lunch and I took out mine," says the Mullah.
Nasruddin's Friendly Neighbour One day Mullah Nasruddin goes around to Rabbi Goldberg's house and asks if he can borrow a pot for a day or two. His neighbour knowing Mullah Nasruddin is reluctant, but eventually agrees as they've been close friends for many years.
The very next day, Mullah Nasruddin returns two pots and explains to his over-delighted friend that the first pot gave birth to the second pot.
A week later, Mullah Nasruddin asks Rabbi Goldberg if he can borrow two pots. Rabbi Goldberg immediately agrees, for the obvious reason.
But to Rabbi Goldberg's dismay, Mullah Nasruddin never returns the pots, so he asks Mullah Nasruddin if he can have his pots back. Mullah Nasruddin explains that tragically both pots have died.
Rabbi Goldberg is incensed. "How can a pot die?" he demands.
"You believed it when a pot gave birth," says Mullah Nasruddin. "Why should you not believe that a pot dies?"
Nasruddin and his Family Mullah Nasruddin is very ill in bed.
Mullah: "My wife are you here?"
Wife: "Yes I am here darling!"
Mullah: "My sons and my daughters are you here too?"
The Crew: "Yes, we're here too."
Mullah: Then explain to me who is running the bloody shop?
The Train Journey Rabbi Goldberg, Mullah Nasruddin and a Nun are sitting together in the carriage of a train.
Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. As it's an old style train, there are no lights in the carriages and it goes completely dark. Then there is this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train comes out of the tunnel, the Nun and Mullah Nasruddin are sitting as if nothing had happened, and Rabbi Goldberg has his hand against his face.
Rabbi Goldberg is thinking: Mullah Nasruddin, must have kissed the Nun and she missed him and slapped me instead.
The Nun is thinking: Rabbi Goldberg must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed Mullah Nasruddin and got a slap for it.
Mullah Nasruddin is thinking: This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap Rabbi Goldberg again.
Nasruddin's Conversion? Mullah Nasruddin is walking down the street when he bumps into Yusef, a convert to Islam.
"Asalam-Alaikum brother Yusuf!" Mullah Nasruddin says excitedly.
"Walaikum-salam, brother!" replies Yusuf.
"I have this question I have been wanting to ask you for a long!"
"Go ahead, brother," replies Yusuf.
"When you became a Muslim, did you cry?"
"Indeed I did." says Yusuf.
"Me too! Me too!" exclaims Mullah Nasruddin excitedly.
"When did you become Muslim?" asks Yusuf curiously.
"When I was born!" says Mullah Nasruddin proudly.
The Inter-Faith Discussion Rabbi Goldberg, Father O'Reilly and Mullah Nasruddin are having a discussion about who is the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaims Mullah Nasruddin. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly all around me, the storm started to die out. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory."
"One day while fishing," begins Father O'Reilly, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly the storm started to die out. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explains Rabbi Goldberg, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a big black bag on the ground in front. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed for what seemed like many hours, and suddenly I realised it was Sunday!"
Father of How Many? Mullah Nasruddin and Father O'Reilly are having a conversation.
Mullah: How comes you have your shirt collar on backwards?
Father: Because I am a Father.
Mullah: I'm also a father too, but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear yours backwards?
Father: Because I am the Father of many.
Mullah: I have four wives, from which I had over 30 children, from which I have many grandchildren. But I wear my collar like everyone else. But why do you wear yours backwards?
Father: I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people, do you now understand?
Mullah: I think it's about time you wore your pants backwards too!
Nasruddin's Daughters Two of Mullah Nasruddin's daughters, Meenah and Neenah, have just arrived in the USA looking for a better prosperous life. On arrival Meenah says to Neenah, "father said that people in this country eat dogs."
"Odd!" says Neenah, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding, they walk towards a hot dog vendor that they spot.
"Two dogs, please," says Neenah.
The vendor is only too please to oblige and wraps two hot dogs and hands them over the counter. Excited, the sisters hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs. Meenah is the first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to Neenah and whispers cautiosuly, "what part did you get?"
Is it Halal or Haram? Rabbi Goldberg and Mullah Nasruddin have the following conversation:
Rabbi: What is the Islamic ruling regarding wine?
Mullah: It is Haram (Forbidden).
Rabbi: How about water?
Mullah: That's Halal (Permissible).
Rabbi: How about grapes?
Mullah: That's 100 per cent Halal.
Rabbi: Then why is it that these ingredients are Halal, and yet when you combine them, it becomes Haram?
Mullah: If I hit you with this handful of dirt, do you think it would hurt you?
Mullah: How about if I hit you with this handful of straw?
Rabbi: No way!
Mullah: How about a handful of water?
Rabbi: I don't think so.
Mullah: How about if I mix them, and let them dry to become a brick, and then hit you with it, would it hurt you?
Rabbi: Hurt me? you might even kill me!
Mullah: The same reasoning applies to what you asked me!
The Reason to be Quiet in a Mosque Mullah Nasruddin asks his 5 year old son, Ali, before setting off for the mosque, "why is it necessary to be quiet in a mosque?"
"Cuz everyones asleep in there," says Ali.
I Don't Like You Rabbi Goldberg and Mullah Nasruddin have the following conversation:
Rabbi: I don't like Muslims.
Mullah: Why not?
Rabbi: You brought down the twin towers, that's why!
Mullah: Every single Muslim can't be blamed.
Rabbi: Syrian, Libyan, Palestinian, Tunisian, Moroccan, doesn't matter, you're all the same.
Mullah: Well I don't like Jews!
Rabbi: Why not?
Mullah: Jews sank the Titanic that's why!
Rabbi: Jews didn't sink the Titanic you idiot, it was an iceberg!
Mullah: Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, doesn't matter, you're all the same.
The Argument Mullah Nasruddin and Father O'Reilly meet up for lunch one day and the conversations turns sour. They start arguing about religion. They go on for some time and very soon things start to get out of hand.
Mullah Nasruddin says, "we must not quarrel in this way. It's not right. We are both doing God's work, you are doing it YOUR way and I am doing it HIS way."
Abdul Joins the Army Mullah Nasruddins eldest son, Abdul, joins the British Army. On his first day, an officer comes up to him and says, "what's your name?"
"Abdul," he replies.
"YOU MUST SAY 'SIR', I'M AN OFFICER OF THE BRITISH ARMY. NOW WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
"Sir Abdul," he replies proudly.
Why Ali's not an Atheist A teacher with liberal tendencies explains to his class of small children that he is an atheist. He asks his class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands shoot up into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Ali, Mullah Nasruddin's son, who has not gone along with the class. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.
"Cuz I'm not an atheist dat's why."
"What are you?" asks the teacher.
"I'm a Muslim, so don't mess wid me."
The teacher's face goes red. He asks little Ali why he is a Muslim
"Cuz my mum's a Muslim, and my dad's a Muslim, so that makes me a Muslim too. Get it?"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," he says.
"What if your mum was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would that make you?"
"Den," says Ali, "dat'll make me an atheist like you, innit."
Does God Exist? As Mullah Nasruddin is leaving his house one bright sunny morining, his atheist neighbour is also leaving for work, and they have the following conversation:
Atheist: Have ever seen God?
Mullah: ahh no.
Atheist: Have ever heard God?
Mullah: ahh... not really.
Atheist: So you've never heard or seen God?
Mullah: ahh no.
Atheist: Then that means there's no God, right?
Mullah: . . . before I answer that, can I ask you a few questions.
Atheist: Go ahead.
Mullah: Have you ever seen your brain?
Atheist: Of course not.
Mullah: Have you ever heard your brain thinking thoughts?
Atheist: What kind of dumb question is that?
Mullah: So let me get this right. You've never seen or heard your brain, right?
Atheist: What's your point?
Mullah: Then that means you have no brain, right?
Tired and Thirsty Rabbi Goldberg says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
Father O'Reilly says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have brandy."
Mullah Nasruddin says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
Comments About Star Trek Rabbi Goldberg, Mullah Nasruddin and Father O'Reilly are discussing their all time favourite film Star Trek.
Mullah Nasruddin says: One thing about Star Trek, it has whites, blacks and Asians but it doesn't have any Arabs.
Rabbi Goldberg adds: And it doesn't have any Jews either.
Father O'Reilly points out: It's because it takes place in the future.
Changing Newspapers Rabbi Goldberg is sitting on a park bench reading a Muslim newspaper when Mullah Nasruddin comes along and notices the paper. "How comes you're reading a Muslim newspaper? asks Mullah Nasruddin with a great big smile on his face.
"With the Jewish papers," explains Rabbi Goldberg, "it tells me about the declining Jewish population, problems in Israel; all kinds of troubles for the Jewish people. But with this paper, it says things I never knew which makes me so happy."
"Such as?" asks Mullah Nasruddin.
"We Jews are going to take over the world," says Rabbi Goldberg cheerfully.
Pray for Ali One Friday, Mullah Nasruddin takes his youngest son Ali to the mosque. But during the sermon (kuthbah) Ali becomes a nuisance. Mullah Nasruddin tries his best to maintain some sense of order - he even threatens Ali with a smack if he doesn't behave - but he is losing the battle and the congregation (jamat) around him become agitated.
Finally, Mullah Nasruddin picks up Ali and walks out of the prayer room.
Just before leaving the safety of the prayer room little Ali cries out to the congregation, "PRAY FOR ME! PRAY FOR ME!"
Don't Jump Mullah Nasruddin is walking across London Bridge when he spots a man standing on the edge about to jump off. He immediately runs over and says: "STOP! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" says the man.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Well ... are you religious or an atheist?"
"Me too! Are you a Muslim or a Christian?"
"Me too! Are you Sunni or Shi'a?"
"... I'll leave you to it then."
Nasruddin in the Newspaper In Hyde Park a savage dog attacks a young boy. Mullah Nasruddin happens to be passing by and comes to the rescue. He tackles the dog strangling it to death. A reporter for The Sun newspaper is watching everything and takes a few snaps for the front-page picture for the next days paper.
Approaching Mullah Nasruddin he says: "Your heroic act will be published in tomorrow's paper under the headline - Brave Londoner rescues boy from savage dog."
Thinking that it would look better if the word 'Londoner' is replaced with the word 'Muslim' - so Muslims look good for a change in The Sun newspaper - Mullah Nasruddin says, "I'm sorry I wouldn't describe myself as a Londoner."
On inquiring as to his identity Mullah Nasruddin says, "I am simply a good Muslim."
The next day the headline of The Sun reads:
"Fanatical Muslim Strangles Dog to Death in Hyde Park.
The Devil Pays for It Mullah Nasruddin is well known for his faith in God. Everyone would often hear him paying to God, many times throughout the day.
Next door to him lives an atheist who would get angry with hearing his prayers and would yell, "THERE AIN'T NO GOD!"
Hard times come on Mullah Nasruddin and he prays to GOD for help. He prays: "GOD I NEED FOOD! I AM HAVING A REALLY HARD TIME. PLEASE GOD, SEND ME SOME FOOD!"
The next morning Mullah Nasruddin opens his front door and finds four Sainsbury's bags full of food, to which he cries out, "GOD IS GREAT!"
The atheist neighbour jumps up from behind a bush and laughs, "I bought them! God didn't."
To which Mullah Nasruddin starts jumping up and down, clapping his hands saying: "GOD IS GREAT! Not only did He send me four bags of food, but He made the devil pay for them too!"
The Car Crash Mullah Nasruddin and Father O'Reilly get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally trashed, but amazingly, neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and Mullah Nasruddin says: "our cars are unrecognisable but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God telling is that we should be friends and live together in peace for rest of our days." Father O'Reilly agrees.
Mullah Nasruddin notices a bottle of brandy that must have fallen out of Father O'Reilly's car during the crash to which he says, "look, here's another miracle. Your car is totally demolished but that bottle of brandy didn't break, surely God wanted you to have your drink. And so he hands the bottle over to Father O'Reilly who agrees. He takes a big swig, and hands the bottle to Mullah Nasruddin. Mullah Nasruddin takes it, screws the cap back on, and hands it back again.
Father O'Reilly asks, "aren't you going to have any?"
"Nah, I'll just wait for the police."
Punishment From God Mullah Nasruddin and Father O'Reilly are sitting on a park bench reading their newspapers. Mullah Nasruddin turns around and asks Father O'Reilly, "what causes arthritis?"
"It's a punishment from God for not believing in Him the true way," replies Father O'Reilly.
"Well I'll be damned," says Mullah Nasruddin and he returns to his newspaper.
Father O'Reilly, thinking about what he has said, nudges Mullah Nasruddin in the rib and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know you had arthritis."
"Who said I had arthritis? I was just reading that the Pope does."