Silver Bullet, by H. Paul Shuch

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Silver Bullet
Copyright © 1998 by H. Paul Shuch, All Rights Reserved
(with apologies to Woody Allen, whose punchline I stole)

Now I'm a gambler, and a sinner, and a gun-totin' scoundrel, and I excel at everything I do. I think my daddy would be proud of me.

My momma was the prettiest flower in Miss Lilly's Garden of Delights. Her most frequrnt gentleman caller was a Texas lawman turned vigilantee. You know him -- he's the one who wore a mask, and rode a white horse, and had an Injun sidekick, and fired silver bullets. Shortly before I was born he rode off into the sunset with a wink and a nod and a hearty "hi ho, Silver!" leaving Momma wondering, "who was that masked man anyway?"

When I turned seventeen, my education was complete, and it came time to leave Miss Lilly's Garden of Delights and make my way in the world. After I'd said my goodbyes to all the teachers, Momma took me aside and dug deep down in her bosom and brought out this shiny silver bullet and placed it in the palm of my hand, saying "your father wanted you to have this, when you were old enough."

So I tucked that bullet in my vest pocket, close to my heart, and it's been there ever since. And I went out to make my way in the world, and I became a gambler, and a sinner, and a gun-totin' scoundrel, and I excel at everything I do.

Last night as I was walking the streets, I wandered into the revival tent, and the preacher was howling fire and brimstone and thumping a gilded bible the size of the Fort Worth yellow pages. And when he saw me, the wrath of God erupted from inside him.

"You!" the preacher hollered in a voice which shook the tent-pegs. "You're a gambler, and a sinner, and a gun-totin' scoundrel! May you be struck dead for excelling at everything you do!" With that, he flung his bible clear across the revival tent, and it struck me square in the chest and knocked me cold.

And if it hadn't been for that bullet in my vest pocket, the one left me by my daddy, I swear to God that bible woulda killed me. 'Cause I'm a gambler, and a sinner, and a gun-totin' scoundrel, and I excel at everything I do.

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