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Chaos Filker
lyrics 1994 by Dr. H. Paul Shuch
sung to the tune of "Greenback Dollar,"
Copyright © 1962 by Hoyt Axton, Mae Axton, and Ken Ramsey

click to hear melody Click on the speaker icon to hear this melody

When I was brand new to fandom
And I couldn't play or sing
My momma said "Son, you've got no talent at all,
So filking's gonna be the thing for you.
Filking's gonna be your thing."

CHORUS:

And I don't give a damn about your bardic circle.
Don't make me pass, pick or play.
I'm a chaos filker of the first degree,
Give me Midwest Mayhem any day at all,
Chaos any day.

After thirty years in fandom
See how my ambition's grown!
I still can't play or sing, but I'm doing one thing:
Finding a style that's all my own,
A style that's all my own.

First I tried to sound like Leslie,
Singing about war and peace.
But the Cold War ended, the Berlin Wall fell,
And that didn't make my sales increase,
My record sales increase.

Then I tried to be like Julia,
Singing about outer space.
But as the funds run out I hear the people shout:
"We can't even afford this place.
Earth is an expensive place."

I could emulate Roberta,
Sing about the SCA.
But I find that it's hard to be an old tyme bard
When I still can't sing and play at all,
And I look lousy in tights anyway.

Maybe Doctor Jane's the answer,
Singing about science and math.
But my theories don't prove and my equations won't solve,
And that won't even make people laugh.
I can't even make 'em laugh.

I could always push computers,
Sing about zeroes and ones.
But the elf and the programmer belong to Mike,
And after that, there's not much to be done,
Nothing left to be done.

Maybe take a lesson from Rennie,
Concentrate on sex and love.
But the truth is, I never can make up my mind,
So I opt for all of the above,
Sing all the above.

I've warbled at a hundred filk cons,
Been doing this for a while.
But I sound like Leslie Julia Rennie Mike Roberta Jane
And I can't seem to find my own style,
I just can't find my style.

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