Updated for '99!!

"LID Mating Calls" Or,

"I got my License the Dick Bash Way!"

Step One: On FM use as many "Q" signals as possible. Yes, they were invented solely for CW and are totally inappropriate for two meter FM, but they're fun and entertaining. They keep people guessing as to what you really mean. I.E. "I'm going to QSY to the phone." Can you really change frequencies to the phone? QSL used to mean, "I am acknowledging receipt", but now it appears to mean, "yes" or "OK". I guess I missed it when the ITU changed the meaning. It is also best to use "OK" and "QSL" together. Redundancy is the better part of Lid-dom. Double points for using "check, check."

 

Step Two: Never laugh when you can say "HI HI". No one will ever know you aren't a long time CW rag-chewer if you don't tell them. They'll think you've been throwing spark since the days of Marconi.

 

Step Three: Utilize an alternative vocabulary. Use words like "destinated" and "negatory". It's OK to make up your own words here. I.E. "Yeah Tom, I "pheelbart zaphonix" occasionally myself."

Editor: Clinton probably does, too. But don't worry - it's not sex.

 

Step Four: You must always say "XX4XXX" (Insert your own call) "for I.D." As mentioned in Step One, anything that creates redundancy is always encouraged. That's why we have the Department of Redundancy Department. (Please note that you can follow your call with "for identification purposes" instead of "for I.D." While taking longer to say, it is worth more "LID points".

 

Step Five: The better the copy on two meter FM, the more you should use phonetics. Names should be especially used if they are short or common ones. I.E. "My name is Al..." Alpha Lima" or "Jack... Juliet Alpha Charlie Kilo." If at all possible use geezer HF phonetics "N6EEZ... Nan Six Easy Easy Zansibar." And for maximum "LID points", make up unintelligible phonetics. "My name is Bob... Bet On Bumperpool."

 

Step Six: You must always give the calls of yourself and everyone who is, or has been, in the group, whether they are still there or not. While this has been unnecessary for years, it is still a great memory test. You may also use "and the group" if you're an "old timer" or just have a bad memory. Extra points for saying everyone's call and then clearing in a silly way "KN6K, Ciao, Ciao."

 

Step Seven: Whenever possible, use the wrong terminology. It keeps people guessing. Use "modulation" when you mean "deviation", and vice-versa. Complain about "bleedover" a lot. Any discussion of "VISWARS" will place you in contention for the Lid Hall of Fame.

 

Step Eight: When another CW op sends "CQ Test" always be sure to give him your name, location, and the short version of your life's story. Then reassure him that his signal is just fine. Offer to further aid his testing effort by switching between your different antennas.

 

Step Nine: Always ask involved questions of the person who is trying to sign out. Never let him get by with just a "yes" or "no" answer. Make it a question that will take him a long time to answer.

 

Step Ten: The less you know on a subject, the more you should speculate about it in the roundtable. Also the amount of time you spend on the subject should be inversely proportionate to your knowledge of the subject even though you have no damn clue.

 

Step Eleven: Always make sure you try to communicate with only a handheld and a rubber duck antenna. Also, make sure you work through a repeater that you can hear very well, but it cannot hear you. This will put out a kind of "LID mating call": "Well, Joe, I can hear the repeater just fine here. I wonder why it can't hear me?" You will score maximum LID points if you are mobile, and with the radio lying in the passenger seat. You are a true LID roll-model if you tell the other operator that he is "lighting all the lights."

 

Step Twelve: After failing to make contact with another station , be sure to tell everyone that you are "clear". This way you will actually feel that others care. And the rest of us will have someone else to ridicule besides Claude Rains.

 

Step Thirteen: If you hear someone on the repeater giving directions to a visiting amateur, even if the directions are good, make sure you break in with your own "alternate route but better way to get there" version. This is most effective with several other "would-be LIDs", each giving a different route. By the time the visiting amateur unscrambles all the street names whizzing by in his mind, he should have moved out of the range of the repeater. This keeps you from having to stick around to help the guy get back out of town, later.

 

Step Fourteen: On HF always find two amateurs engrossed in their weekly schedule, interrupt them by requesting a quick signal report, and then warm the ether with your life's story. Be sure to embellish your interruption with the many helpful hints provided in this guide.

 

Step Fifteen: Always uses the National Calling Frequency for general conversations. The more uninteresting the content, the longer you should transmit. Extra points are awarded if you have recently moved from an adjacent frequency for no reason. Make sure when DX is "rolling" in on 52.525 that you hang out there and talk to your friends five miles down the road about the good old CB days!

 

Step Sixteen: When reporting an emergency via an autopatch, be sure to tell the dispatcher "I am a ham." and "When I am keyed-up, I can't hear you." It's a high stress job, and she will appreciate the diversion.

 

Step Seventeen: Make sure you say the first few words of each transmission twice, especially if it is the same thing each time. Like "roger, roger" or "fine business, fine business." I cannot stress enough about encouraging redundancy.

 

Step Eighteen: If you hear a conversation on a local repeater, break in and ask how each station is receiving you. Of course they will only see the signal of the repeater you are using, but it's that magic moment when you can find a fellow "LID", and get the report. Extra points are awarded if you are using a base station, and the repeater is less than twenty-five air miles from you.

 

Step Nineteen: Use the repeater for an hour or two at a time, preventing others from using it. Better yet, do it on a daily basis. Your quest is to make people so sick of hearing your voice every time they turn on their radio, they'll move to another frequency. This way you'll lighten the load on the repeater, leaving even more time for you to talk on it.

 

Step Twenty: See just how much flutter you can generate by operating at handheld power levels too far away from the repeater. Engage people in conversations when you know they won't be able to copy half of what you're saying. Even when they say you're uncopyable, continue to string them along by making further transmissions. See just how frustrated you can make the other amateur before he finally signs off in disgust. Also when you hear a hopeless pile of noise open the repeater input, be sure to tell the other op that he's "not making the machine." This way, he will, at least, have you to talk to.

 

Step Twenty-One: Use lots of radio jargon. After all, it makes you feel important using words ordinary people don't say. Who cares if it makes you sound like you just fell off Channel 19 on the Citizen's Band? Use phrases such as "Roger on that", "10-4", "I'm on the side", "Your making the trip" and "Negatory on that". And never forget a healthy sprinkling of "here's" and "there's" for the most professional effect.

 

Step Twenty-Two: Use "Umm" and "Ahhh" whenever possible to keep your VOX relay from opening between words. If mobile, make sure the wind noise is loud enough that others have to strain to pick your words out from the racket. On HF, whistle frequently to keep your d' Arsonval movement in top form.

 

Step Twenty-Three: Start every transmission with the word "Roger" or "QSL". Sure, you don't need to acknowledge that you received the other transmission in full. After all, you would simply ask for a repeat if you missed something. But consider it your gift to the other amateur to give him solace every few seconds that his transmissions are being received.

 

Step Twenty-Four: When looking for a contact on a repeater, always say you're "listening" or "monitoring" multiple times. Repeating your multiple "listening" ID's every 10 to 15 seconds is even better. Those people who didn't want to talk to you will eventually call you, hoping you'll go away after you have finally made a contact.

 

Step Twenty-Five: Always use a repeater, even if you can work the other station easily on simplex ... especially if you can make the contact on simplex. The coverage of the repeater you use should be inversely proportional to your distance from the other station.

 

Step Twenty-Six: Always assume that the folk's just 3 khz above or below you are part of a secret cabal bent on destroying your QSO with another LID, and demand that they move.

 

Step Twenty-Seven: When confronted with above situation, adjust the other party's transmitter frequency using your speech processor control.

 

Step Twenty-Eight: When on repeaters using courtesy tones, you should always say "over". Courtesy tones are designed to let everyone know when you have unkeyed but don't let that stop you. Say "over", "back to you" or "go ahead". It serves no useful purpose but, then, neither do you.

 

Step Twenty-Nine: Use the repeater's autopatch for frivolous routine calls... especially during morning or evening commute times. While pulling into the neighborhood, call home to let them know you'll be there in two minutes.... or, call your spouse to complain about the bad day you had at work. After all, the club has "measured rate" service on their phone line so they get charged for each autopatch call. Your endeavor is to make so many patches in a year that you cost the club at least $20 in phone bills. That way you'll feel you got your money's worth for your dues!

 

Step Thirty: Never say "My name is..." It makes you sound human. If at all possible, use one of the following phrases: a) "The personal here is..." b) "The handle here is..." Better yet, say, "I am WD6EPV." Others will marvel at your parent's creativity.

 

Step Thirty-One: Use "73" and "88" incorrectly. Both are already considered plural, but add a "s" to the end anyway. Say "73's" or "88's". Who cares if it means "best regardses" and "love and kisseses."? Better yet, say "seventy thirds"! (By the way, seventy thirds equals about 23.3).

 

Step Thirty Two: It is vital that you ask for a signal report using the high power mode of your HT after already having received a full quieting signal report when using low power. Toggle back and forth and repeat your request to make sure the other operator was not lying to you.

 

Step Thirty-Three: You must always repeat the salient points (presuming you were not speaking to another LID, in which case such points would not exist) of the other fellows transmission. Thus, "Roger, roger, on the new Kenwood TS-570, the G5RV, and not being able to use all the bands you have because you're too busy yakking with me instead of studying for your upgrade." can be used to complete a QSO in the event that band conditions or intellectual restrictions render genuine two way communication impossible.

 

Step Thirty-Four: When instructing others to "Buy Golly", please be courteous: offer the NASDAQ ticker symbol.

 

Step Thirty-Five: When on CW send "R" and then send "pse rpt ur name." He will take fondly your interest in hearing it again.

 

Step Thirty-Six: Consider purchasing a Swan 500.

 

Step Thirty-Seven: I swear to God that this is true. Ask the other operator for an SWR check.

 

Step Thirty-Eight: If the repeater is off the air for service, complain about the fact that it was off the air as soon as it's turned back on. Act as though your entire day has been ruined because the repeater wasn't available when you wanted to use it. Even though you have never paid a penny to help out with the upkeep. It was among the reasons I took mine off the air. Sorry if the LIDs are now using your repeater instead.

 

Step Thirty-nine: People can be pretty ambivalent. Cater to that. Say, "For those who care, for those who don't" often before offering an opinion that most of us could not give a damn about.

Step forty: Is Roger That related to Roger Rabbit? Enquiring minds want to know.

Step Forty-one: Please tell people that they are "Banging the repeater" it will give them a cheap, safe, thrill.

Step forty-two: Compassion is in these days. All will want to know about your "terrible situation" or perhaps learn about one of their own that they did not know they had. Well, not everyone, I don't.

Step Forty-three: Tell people to have a "fine one" often. It's healthy, and, hell, if the President can, then hams should too.

Step Forty-four: Big Bonus Points!! Remind folk's often that station identification is not optional. Please remind us of the deterent wonder of English Common Law, and say "for license preservation purposes" every time you say your callsign. Others will marvel at your legal savvy. Fellow Lids will appreciate the reminder, and some of us will just be relieved that you were born a dope, rather than us.

 

If this page has either humored or offended some, then it has served its purpose. Suggestions welcome, critics ignored. This page is updated as time, scotch, and general misanthropy permit.

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