N4JRI's Radio Pages:  Scanner/SWL Poetry

The Night Before Christmas

(Scanning at the Mall)

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town,

Yours Truly had the mall freqs and tones all nailed down.

Leaving them no escape--except frequency-hopping,

I felt peaceful, and in the right mood to go 'shopping.'

Now about that completeness, I'll make this confession:

My nailed-town-tight town left a single obsession.

One mall had slipped by, and 'twas my fervent wish,

To nail down this varmint that got past the fiche.   [Note 8]

I was frisked before leaving by my wife (what a doubter)

Who proceeded to impound my frequency counter.

She cut me off short as I started to whine...

"You've done enough scanning; we're shopping this time!"

I pouted and sulked as my wife drove the car,

I thrive being henpecked, but this goes too far!

With my counter and notebook left so far behind,

I felt as if naked--and losing my mind.

Then all of a sudden I felt in my pocket ...

My trusted old friend! (I went off like a rocket)

When the wife blithely put my toys back on the shelf,

She'd forgotten to check for the scanner itself!

I walked in the mall feeling rapture untold,

But reality hit, and my blood just ran cold.

I had my companion, and could fire it up soon,

But what good's a scanner--knowing not where to tune?

I took a wild guess, one-five-four point six-oh,

They love it in JobComms--the green dot, y'know.   [Note 3]

Then I cranked up the volume, a major mistake,

And a loud voice boomed out, "Want some fries with that shake?"

The world became blurry and time seemed to stop.

The crowd was just staring. You could hear a pin drop.

I smiled rather weakly and felt like a freak,

Who needed and earphone and better technique.

I ran to the bookstore and hid in the stacks,

Where a voice said, "Your methods have gotten too lax."

"These books, fiche and counters have softened your brain,

"Try the scanner's instructions." (still in cellophane)

"The scriptures are ancient, but their wisdom applies,

"When you're trying to catch these security guys.

"The manual states (like a strict moral code)

"When you don't know the channel, you use the search mode."

The SEARCH MODE! Now who'd ever heard such a thing?

It did make good sense, though, and had a nice ring.

I stalked out the door with a spring in my walking,

(As the clerk came to ask, to just whom was I talking?)

I went straight to work with my Bearcat unholstered.

The guard had no chance with my confidence bolstered.

I'd check his antenna and find out which band,

I should search through to give me the uppermost hand.

I hoped it was VHF-high because, heck,

I'd leave me a mere 16 channels to check.   [Note 1]

There would've been more had it been a small town,

Where they use taxi channels 'cause there's no cabs around.    [Note 2]

Or maybe a Radius, I'd like that a lot.

I'd fake a quick seizure, looking up for the dot.  [Note 3]

But the brick on the belt of this man old and chubby,

Was an HT-440 with a UHF stubbie.

A UHF search can be one for the annals,

But a five -watt HT could mean no two-watt channels.  [Note 4]

I hoped against hope that there'd be a repeater,

'Cause skipping the 'mobile side' makes things much neater.

I tried the itinerants, they're good for the soul, [Note 6]

And all of the ones marked for 'local control.'     [Note 7]

I followed the guard (at a distance discreet),

He talked. I heard nothing. Oh, bitter defeat.

But then I remembered the bookstore advice,

And punched up the search mode without thinking twice.

The squelch opened just above four sixty-one,

"There's some creep with a scanner, better pull out your gun."

Just then someone grabbed me! (my wife heard the call)

And angrily dragged me right out of the mall.

The guard walked behind us, keying up on his mic,

And the clicking he heard just confirmed my good strike.

Some years have gone by, but they won't forget me.

The mall's on a trunk now, and has DVP.

And I've had much less grief from my wife's prudish manner.

We divorced just last year--and she got the scanner.

1 - VHF Business:  151.625-151.955 in 30 kHz steps, plus 154.515, 154.540, 154.570 and 154.600

2 - 152.300-152.420, 157.560-157.680 in 15 kHz steps. Available to business users in Standard Metropolitan Statistical Areas (SMAs) of 50,000 or less.

3 - JobComm/Radius Color Code: 151.625 red, 154.570 blue, 154.600 green, 462.575 white, 462.625 black, 462.675 orange, 464.500 brown, 464.550 yellow.

4 - Two-watt UHF freqs:  457.525-457.600, 467.750-467.925, and various 12.5 kHz 'splinter' frequencies

5 - Mobile-only freqs (normally used as repeater inputs on UHF) can also carry simplex traffic over portable radios

6 - Itinerant Frequencies include 35.04, 151.625, 464.500, 464.550, 469.500, 469.550 and 853.4875

7 - "Local Control" frequencies are intended for use at a particular location. 464 and 469.325, .375, .425, .475, .525, .575, .675, .775, .825, .875, .925, .975.

8 - 'Fiche' is short for microfiche. In the days before CD-ROMs and online searches, we used to purchase the FCC's 'transmitter state index' on microfiche to find offbeat frequencies.