Do you have a funny radio story or joke for the Humor Page? CONTRIBUTE! E-Mail it to me!
YOU KNOW YOU MIGHT BE A "HAM" WHEN.......
- ....You take a USGS topo map along when hunting for a house.
- ....Your antennas sparkle like the 4th of July in a lightning storm.
- ....You burn your lips on a microphone because the antenna wasn't grounded.
- ....Your spouse wants to know why you are putting the clothes lines up so high.
- ....The snow starts and someone wants to throw an antenna party!
- ....When you go to the repeater site to repair it, after a hard day at the office, then you stay a good part of the night!
- ....You drive numerous miles out of your way as your vacation begins to Dayton, Ohio, just to stop by the repeater site to make a "ten minute" repair. Two hours later, you resume your journey after much abuse from your spouse.
- ....You grab your HT instead of a newspaper when you are on your way to the bathroom.
- ....You start talking to yourself in code.
- ....You ID as Marine Mobile while floating on a mat in your pool.
- ....You say, "QRZ" when you answer the telephone.
- ....You steal the windshield wiper fuse to replace the blown one in your rig.
- ....You have your Call Sign printed on your checks.
- ....Your battery goes dead because you forgot to start the car before the long QSO.
- ....Instead of running to the basement during a tornado warning, you run to your vehicle to participate in SKYWARN. (N1MJP...honey...why are you looking at me that way??? Gene AA1CJ...)
- ....You take your handheld along on your Honeymoon.
- ....Your spare bedroom has more products than Radio Shack.
- ....You use your fishing rods for 20 Meter verticals on camping and fishing trips.
- ....When you install your rig on the boat before you even put gas in it.
- ....While out driving with your spouse or loved one, you look for antenna sites!
- ....You find yourself saying, "Yeah, I'll be right up after this QSO or Net."
- ....You stay up a whole contest weekend and call that fun.
- ....The first thing you see in the morning are cartons of vacuum tubes stacked up in the bedroom.
- ....You skip your funeral to attend Field Day.
- ....Your electric bill exceeds your house payment.
- ....You buy a home because it is high in location and has all kinds of land for antennas.
- ....You sell all your musical equipment to purchase new amateur toys.
- ....There's a blackout and the Power Company calls YOU to complain.
- ....You check into the local Two Meter net from your lawn tractor or ATV.
- ....You never get any housework done because you're ON THE AIR.
- ....You roto till the back yard and remember you forgot to remove the radials.
- ....The antenna is larger than your car, nor is there any place for the spouse to sit in the front seat.
- ....You end your telephone calls with, "This is (your Call Sign) clear."
- ....You have more wire run than the Power Company does.
- ....You have to move the desk microphone out the way each night to eat dinner.
- ....You start talking to your spouse/kids in Morse Code.
- ....You come home from work and find your rig in the dog house and your dog in your shack.
- ....Your parrot squawks, "CQ, CQ, DE Polly!"
- ....You are 2 hours late from picking up your boy/girlfriend for a date because you were at a friend's house working DX on twenty meters.
- ....You , "Peak your drive," "Dip your plate," and "Tune your load."
- ....When you go anywhere you cannot go without your handheld, as you might miss something.
- ....Your choice of a new car is determined by how easily you can mount your rig and antenna.
- ....You forgot to buy something for your spouse for your wedding anniversary, because you spent it all at the Hamfest for something you really didn't need.
- ....Your spouse yells, "Turn off that damn radio, I am trying to watch T.V.!"
- ....Your spouse yells, "Turn off that damn radio, it's 4 A.M. and I am trying to sleep!"
- ....You start getting all kinds of R.F.I. complaints from your neighbors.
Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline wasmissed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs - "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Dilberted - To be exploited an oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.
CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line service's rule
of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD
Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready ... what time do we squirt the bird?"
Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcasticly to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
"Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Chain saw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- "Don't bother asking him, he's 404."
Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity - Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.
73 - Dave, WD8DJB @ N8QGE
COMPUTER INDUSTRY ACRONYMS
PCMCIA -- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN -- It Still Does Nothing
SCSI -- System Can't See It
DOS -- Defective Operating System
BASIC -- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM -- I Blame Microsoft
DEC -- Do Expect Cuts
CD ROM -- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 -- Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW -- World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH -- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM -- Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL -- Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA -- A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
RISC -- Reduced Into Silly Code
LISP -- Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS -- Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS -- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT -- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane......."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendants arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Bear with me on this.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he
be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't
serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as
promised eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer
to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
.........You're gonna love this.............
The bartender says, "You are now.
That was a barbitchyouate."
TOOLS... AND THEIR USAGE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward
off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after
determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double
as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and
rounds them off.
PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
RULES OF THE AIR
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than to be up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival, and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. It is also reported by reliable sources that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out the window is ground going round and round, and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger seats, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. Its always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are; the altitude above you, the runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
What Cats Do While We're At Work...
How To Clean The Cat
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to
4. In one swift move, place the cat in
toilet, close both lids and
on top, so the cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce
ample suds. (Ignore ruckus
inside toilet, cat is enjoying this).
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides
a nice power rinse, which
7. Have someone open an outside door, stand
as far from the toilet as
possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet
and outdoors, where he will air dry.
It has come to our attention that a few copies of
WINDOWS 2000 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally
been shipped outside the South. If you have one of
these, you may need some help understanding the
The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique
opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a
background picture of General Robert E. Lee
superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with
a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.
Please also note: The Recycle Bin is labeled
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good OL' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of
duct tape" pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
OK . . . . . . . .. . . ats aw-right
Can! cel . . . . . . . stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . . . yep
No . . . . . . . . . . .nope
Find .. . . . .. . . . hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . . . . . over yonder
Back . . . .. . . . .. back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . . . crank er up
Settings . . . . . . settins
Programs . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . .stuff ah done did
Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize
capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs
that are exclusive to Winders 2000:
tiperiter . . . . . . . . . . A word processing
colerin book . . . . . . a graphics program
cyferin mersheen. . .calculator
outhouse paper . . . notepad
inner-net . . . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer 5.0
pichers . .. . . . . . . . A graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you
received a copy of! the SOUTHERN EDITION.
You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version. I hope this heps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
last update July 27, 2004 at 14:00 EDT