Howdy! Myrtle, the Head Cheerleader of the Hog Hollow Hoggettes, was trying to keep up with the guest cheerleading squad of the Dallas Cowboys. The eighty-six year old Hoggette tried to do a split. She was successful in doing this, but she could not get up from the ground. Poor Myrtle! There she was on the ground with one leg pointed north and one leg pointed south. Try as we could, we could not get Myrtle in the position (upright) that she was before she tried the split. Now when Myrtle goes somewhere, she must ride a utility trailer, sitting flat on the trailer with one leg pointed forward and the other pointed rearward! Thankfully, Myrtle landed in a permanent split, but she landed in a non-painful position! Our pet groundhog drowned last week. It was digging a new hole in the creek bed when a heavy shower came up. It was trapped by rapidly rising water and was drowned. Jeraldine canned eighteen quarts of tomatoes yesterday. Our tomatoes are coming on so rapidly that she can't stay ahead of them. She is afraid that the blight will hit before she can find time to can the rest. I volunteered to pick those that are now ripe, put them into a giant tub and trample them into canning juice. Do any of you have some cleaner that will take all the red stain off my feet? If any of your children would like a baby possum for a pet, let me know. I hit a mother possum with my battery-operated wheelchair and the baby possums came out of her pouch. If you would like one of them, call 1 800 888 8888. My St. Bernard got into the habit of chasing cars. Last Monday he buried a bettle-shaped Volkswagen in our back yard. This would not have been so bad if he had not buried the driver! The new sewer line construction has been completed. The crew is now doing landscaping work. I shall let you know when the used septic tank auction and cookout will be held. Remember, this is a BYOM cookout. I went to Bristol last week. While I was there, a policewoman gave me a ticket for being ugly in public! From now on, when I go to Bristol, I must go in a vehicle with the one-way glass. W4VSP tells me that Chief Runamuk is doing well in Wythe County. He got a job standing outside a new tobacco store. At night he does a double job. Not only does he advertise for the store, but also he is the night watchman. One of the perks in his new job is that he gets to smoke all of the cigars he wants. Many smokers can blow smoke rings which look like small o's. Chief Ruanamuck can blow the entire alphabet! The hardest letter is an X. The Hog Hollow night crawlers are still eating our robins! Do any of the readers have suggestions as to how we can solve this problem? Those of us residents who have computers have gotten together and whipped the computer virus menace. We have developed a gas to spray on our machines. This gas kills them suckers! The Phantom Poet of Hog Holler Bad News from Hog Hollow   May 21, 2005 Today we had to bury the senior sow of the Hollow. She was thirteen years old and had given birth to over 600 pigs during her fertile years. The Mayor, Myrtle Pondwater, gave the eulogy. There was not a dry eye in the crowd! Mayor Pondwater paid homage to Beulah by saying that she had kept the Hog Hollow treasury in the black through the sale of her pigs. The entire governing council were present. Each one of them tossed a shovel of dirt into the grave after the ceremony was performed. None of Beulah's offspring were at the funeral! They were all in various restaurants across this great land. After the ceremony, all who attended adjourned to the town hall for ham biscuits and red-eye gravy. This was a very sad day for the residents of Hog Hollow. The Phantom Poet of Hog Holler June 5, 2005 How did church go today? Did the preacher work "sin" into his sermon and tell the congregation that he was "agin" it? Phil is getting old enough now to have to go to the bathroom more frequently. Did he have to leave his pew today to go? Jeral went to church twice today, once for her and once for me. The family came up today and we had a good time with the granddaughters. I have been typing one of my Morganisms tonight. It is about finished. I lied like a dog throughout the tale! WE are soliciting contributions for a headstone for Beulah, the senior sow who passed away. We are going to place her engraved stone next Sunday and the choir will sing "Beulah Land." WE are in the process of building an hogominium with three stories and with one hundred apartments. We will also build a huge wallow for the residents of the hogominium. We will also have a giant-screen in every pen, oops, room. We are going to make this edifice an equal opportunity habitation. There will be absolutely no ethnic screeening of the animals that want to buy one of the hogos. Thought you would like to know. The Phantom Poet of Hog Holler Some Very Important Back Issues of the HH News The following are some older, previously unpublished Hog Holler reports. We are confident that you will find them every bit as useful and informative as even the the most recent updates. Celebrating the New Year  -  Possum Lowering Sorry we missed you at the Saltville New Year's celebration last night. You were probably glued to the Jay Leno show watching the lighted ball fall from the heights of Times Square. The loyal citizens of Saltville gathered in the town parking lot under the giant oak tree and cheered as the New Year came to our little town. We braved the ten degree temperature as if we were Eskimos waiting for the big blubber cookout. We ate snack foods high in fat and cholesterol and sodium. None of us have acquired a taste for walrus, let alone whale blubber. The closest thing to blubber for Saltvillans is melted hog lard, a flavorful by product of the annual hot killing bash. The focal point of our celebration was the lowering of the possum from the giant oak tree in the municipal parking lot. All the big names in Smyth County were there at the event. Representatives from the Board of Supervisors, and the Saltville Town Council were there. The Mayor, the Chief of Police, and the Fire Chief were present. The honor of lowering the possum, which by the way, had a red flashlight tied to it, was given to a non-resident of the town. The Phantom Poet was invited to be there to do the honors. As the clock on the town hall struck twelve, the possum began its descent from high in the giant oak tree. Once or twice, the possum got stuck on a limb and had to be shaken up and down to dislodge it. However, this movement added to the suspense of the moment. The live possum landed on the ground at twenty minutes until one o'clock, a record for New Year's Possum Lowering. Normally, in the past, the possum did not land on the ground until after one o'clock. The record was set this year because the Head Lowerer is a seasoned fisherman and fishing plugs are much harder to dislodge from underwater limbs than the average possum is from giant oak trees in municipal parking lots. The Phantom Poet was given the key to the town of Saltville, and was given hohorary membership to the Smyth County Board of Supervisors. As an added award, he was promised a year's supply of sausage biscuits from Hardee's. Everyone yelled Happy New Year and went home to doctor their frostbite. By the way, we all saw Saturn and Verillium. The new planet was discovered after we had all toasted the New Year three times each. When we toast, we toast. The Phantom Poet of Hog Holler Late Night News from Hog Hollow Jeraldine decorated our hog lot for Christmas. The lights blinked on and off. Now our hogs are walking around blinking in the same speed that our Christmas lights blinked. The old barn across the road has been leaning to the north for a long while. The barn is slowly sinking farther north. It is almost on the ground. We are getting a new sewer system here in Hog Hollow! When we flush, the flushed goes all the way to the Perryville Swimming Pool. The new governing body of Hog Hollow is doing very well. Not only do we have a new sewage system, but also we have a goodly number of septic tanks for sale. Of course, they are slightly used. We can sell them at a bargain. We will throw the field lines is at no charge. Of course, you will have to dig them up yourself. I have been hired as a consultant to the new governing body in the Hollow. As its former mayor, I am well-versed in the workings and under-table handling of the affairs of local governments. Our New Year party was very exciting. Most of the adults of the Hollow attended. It took a week to get everyone separated and back to his/her own house. The local drinks caused quite a bit of loss of memory. The problem with our new four-way stop signs is still with us. Our resident inventor has developed a mail box that automatically kicks out the junk mail that is deposited in it. This has caused quite a litter problem here in Hog Hollow. If any of you loves to get junk mail, there are tons of it along the road. Feel free to pick-up all of the mail you would like. It comes in handy if you are still using the outdoor johnny houses. It is 1:49 A. M. What am is still sitting here reporting?? Good Night, The Phantom Poet of Hog Holler A Hog Hollow Valentine It is Tuesday morning at 12:02 a.m. Valentine's Day 2005 has come and gone. Rain came down all day and wet all my flowering jonquils. Don't forget the Used Septic Tank Auction next Saturday afternoon! Remember, if you buy one of the septic tanks, you may have the field lines free. However, you must dig them out yourself. There will be a cookout after the auction. Bring your own burgers, steaks, and wieners and we will grill them for you. Drinks will be provided by the Used Septic Tank Committee! Make your plans now for the Hog Bladder Tournament on the first Saturday in April. The coaches of the entering teams will have to bring their own hog bladders. We have found from experience that the bladder from the Berkshires is the toughest and longest lasting. POSSUM AND RACCOON HIDES WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WOULD LIKE TO MAKE YOUR OWN HATS. Hog Hollow has some of the best pork barbecue in the South. Come prepared to take some of this delicious meat back home with you. Motorists in the Hollow have finally learned how to negotiate the intersection with the four stop signs. They all speed up and take their chances! Another section of Jack Graff's river has been stolen. During the last freeze, some farmer came in with a huge flatbed eighteen wheeler and hauled off a hundred foot section of the frozen river. Officials suspect that the long section of ice was transplanted on some farmer's field so that his cattle would have running water when the ice thawed. All the hogs in the hollow are doing well. The 800# hog is having trouble getting up and down. Does anyone have a pair of short crutches to donate to the large hog? The Phantom Poet gave Phantasia a Dirt Devil hand-held vacuum cleaner for her birthday. He gave her the wall charger for a Valentine gift. The lady mayor of the Hollow is doing her job quite well. When the members of the Council disagree with her, she cries. They usually come around to her way of thinking. No one likes to see a mayor cry! We have been having some trouble with a Peeping Tom! No longer is he a problem. He peeped into my bedroom the other night as I was getting ready for bed. He shot himself! The wind blew so hard the other morning that it blew the coffee out of my cup as I ate breakfast on the patio. Enough for now. I shall report later. The Phantom Poet of Hog Holler Winter Time in Hog Hollow The new sewer line crew is working in my yard this week. They are going with the flow. I traded the superintendent of the project some flat rocks for a new wheelbarrow. My front lawn looked as good as any of my neighbors� yards this week. (They were all snow-covered. Snow is a great equalizer!) We trapped three mince this week. Boy, those mincemeat pies are delicious! Jeraldine and I were featured in the Smyth County News this week. Our hogs are doing well in their heated hog pen. We�re a bit chilly, but Our hogs are doing fine. An old owl is living in the old barn across the road. We have been unable to sleep during the night. We sleep in the daytime when it is not hooting. Have you been able to sleep when a hooting hoot owl hoots all night? Blight has hit our tomatoes. The blight started the first of January. Every once in a while a ladybug comes out of hibernation and aggravates us. Two more possums joined the roadkill number this week. February 2 is Jeraldine�s birthday. I am going to lock her in the house so she will not go outside and see her shadow. To get the temperature of Hog Hollow, double the temperature given by the National Weather Service and divide by three. That�s all for this time, folks. The Phantom Poet of Hog Holler Hog Hollow Spring Hog Hollow's Spring came early, It came along today, I heard the grass a'growing As frogs came out to play. Night crawlers are a'crawling All over our front lawn, The fish are swimming upstream A'fixing to just spawn. I heard the grouse a'drumming Upon the ridge today, They're looking for a she-grouse Their eggs they hope she'll lay. The hogs are looking all around In hopes to find a wallow Where they can roll around in mud Up here in old Hog Hollow. Yes, Spring has come a day ahead for us Than it has come for you, Strange things happen where we live, I don't know why it do! The Phantom Poet of Hog Holler Another Hog Hollow Report - April 3, 2005 How wonderful it is to be privileged enough to be a resident of Hog Hollow! Spring always comes one day earlier than it does in the rest of the USA! Our Flowers bloom earlier. Our tomatoes are ready to pick in late May. Our June Apple trees produce in May. We have already had homegrown lettuce for three Meals. Things are GREAT in this suburb of Saltville! The hog scalper, Chief Run Amuk, has moved to Wythe County after he was asked To leave our lovely Hollow. He has pitched his teepee in the backyard of one of our amateur radio friends in Wytheville. He has found a lovely Indian Princess with whom he shares his orange teepee. Her name is Princess Runaround, but you may call her Gertrude. A swarm of honeybees came into Hog Hollow Saturday. They brought their own hive. The queen has a taste for the wildflowers in these mountains. Twelve of the drones are looking for jobs in new hives. The eldest drone said that he could handle the new hive. The high winds on Friday night blew two of our hogs away. If you happen to see these Hogs blow through your area, please let us know. A reward is offered. Several Hog Hollow moles are staggering around blindly looking for some dry ground to dig new tunnels. They had to leave the old tunnels due to the swampy ground where they had been living. Several of the moles have joined the roadkill numbers! Did you know that old hornet nests make good birdhouses? Don�t forget the used septic tank auction here in the Hollow. The Possum Sailing Tournament will be held in July of this year. This gives you sufficient time to find a suitably flat possum to sail. Check all the roadkill possums you see. Check to see if they are aerodynamically sailable. A long tail is a must! The person who can sail his/her possum the farthest will win a gold-plated loving cup and an all-expense trip to Tannersville. The Phantom Reporter of Hog Holler

If anything else ever happens in Hog Holler, we will proudly report it here.

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