An elmer is the guy you go to, to ask questions about topics in Ham Radio that you don’t understand. In that vein, you know it’s time for you to find an Elmer if...

• Your friend tells you he has a new two meter radio and you figure one of the meters must be for swr and the other for power out.
• You hear a conversation on the low bands about CW and you think they're refering to the cold war.
• You hear someone sign this is N8XXX mobile 4 and you think it's because he has three other radios
• You hear that someone won a 40 meter radio at a hamfest and you wonder how they’re going to get something that large in their house.
• You build a morse code key out of plexiglass and can't figure out why it won't key your radio.
• You think the difference between short wave and long wave is the speed at which you move your wrist back and forth.
• You're thinking about joining your other ham frineds in the local ATV group because you own a four wheel drive vehicle that will go just about anywhere.
• You won't use a repeater because you've heard that using a repeater could be dangerous. You've heard an alligator could get you.
• You think a colinear antenna can only be used with two amplifiers.
• You think fm is the modulation type that came after em, dm, cm, bm and am.
• You wouldn't mind getting into packet radio but no matter how much you practice you can't get the hang of sending those beeps and braps with your keyer.
• You wonder what sound a short wave makes and why anyone would want to listen to one.
• You think the repeater owner would be a lot happier if instead of talking about his cavities he just went to the dentist and got them filled.
• You think a CW ID is the number the army gave you on your dog tags during the cold war.