Windows 95 Source Code Revealed

 

 

Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***

Project:  Version ‑ Windows 95

 

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

 

#include &ltnonsense.h>

#include &ltlies.h>

#include &ltspyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */

#include &ltprocess.h> /* For the court of law */

 

#define say(x) lie(x)

#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE

#define next_year soon

#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

 

void main()

{

  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)

  {

    if (there_are_still_bugs)

      market(bugfix);

    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)

      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);

  }

  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)

  {

    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in

                                                    lie.h */

    if (rumours_grow_wilder)

      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)

    {

      market_time=ripe;

      say("It will be ready in one month);

      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);

      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);

      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);

      vapourware=TRUE;

      break;

     }

  }

  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)

  {

     case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:

       say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");

       break;

    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:

       say("Yes it will work");

       ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);

       pretend(there_is_no_problem);

       break;

     case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:

       say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"

           " the 32 bits architecture");

       inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");

       inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"

              "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");

       inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");

       get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);

       break;

     case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:

       say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for

            everyone");

       register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

       when(time_is_ripe)

       {

         arrest(journalist);

         brainwash(journalist);

         when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)

         {

           order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");

           release (journalist);

         }

       }

       break;

   }

   while (vapourware)

   {

     introduction_date++; /* Delay */

     if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)

       break;

     say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);

  }

  release(beta_version)

  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)

  {

    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;

    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);

    introduce(more_memory_requirements);

    if (customers_report_installation_problems)

    {

      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");

      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)

      {

        ignore(customer);

        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this

                                              bastard");

      }

    }

    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )

    {

      divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);

      wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);

      marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

      devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

      if (boobies_start_to_hang)

 

        dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

    }

    if (there_is_another_company)

    {

      steal(their_ideas);

      accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);

      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */

      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);

      buy_out(other_company);

    }

  }

  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at

     us */

  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);

  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);

  laugh_at(everyone,

for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

}

 

 

void bugfix(void)

{

  charge (a_lot_of_money)

  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)

    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

  if (still_complaints)

  {

    ignore(customer);

    register(customer, big_Bill_book);

    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/

  }

}