• Q: What’s the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?

A: The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.
 
• A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told “Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven, right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem: God’s girlfriend gets to sing.”

• Two men were at a bar and one said, “Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175”. The other responded “That’s a coincidence....so is mine. What do you do for a living?” “I'm a physicist” was the reply. Again came “That’s a coincidence! So am I.”

This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ’s at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons.
At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other “Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52.” The other said, rather enthusiastically, “That’s a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play?”
 
• Q: What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?

A: A demented chord.

• An accordion player in his middle 40’s was driving home around 10:00 pm from a Bar Mitzva. When he left, he placed his instrument in the back window of his car so he could watch it while he drove to make sure it was OK. On his way, he decided to stop at a bar and get a drink to make up for the boring night. He stopped, locked his car, and then went inside.

After he had had about 3 drinks, he suddenly realized where he put the accordion! He should have remembered what happened last time he left it in his back window! So he ran outside and looked at his car. The back window was broken in, and glass was all over the place. And, sure enough, there were two more accordions!!!
 
• Q: Do you know the definition of perfect pitch?

A: When you throw the banjo into the dumpster and it lands right on the accordion.

• Q: What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?

A: Leave them there.
 
• Q: What does one bagpipe player never say to another?

A: “Hey man, what key’s it in?”

• Q: What’s the least heard sentence in the English language?

A: “Say, isn’t that the banjo player’s Porsche?”
 
• There’s nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it’s the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

 
• Q: What do you say to a banjo player in a three piece suit?

A: “Will the defendant please rise?”
 
• Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: “Don’t forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string.”

• Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.
 
• Q: How many country bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, five, one, five, one, five ...

• Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get away from the bassoon recital.
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
• Bassoons are more fun to jump on.
• You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!

• Q: What’s the difference between a free jazz trumpet player and a terrorist?

A: The terrorist has sympathizers.
 
• Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?

A: The doorbell shrieks!
 
• Q: Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants?

A: Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares.

• Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding just the right one.
 
• Q: What’s the definition of a nerd?

A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

• Q: What’s the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?

A: A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

• Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn down the volume?

A: Put sheet music in front of him.
 
• Q: How do you get a guitar player off your doorstep?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

• Q: What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?

A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
 
• Q: What’s the definition of a minor second?

A: Two oboes playing in unison.
 
• Q: What’s the best use for an oboe?

A: Using it to light a bassoon on fire.

• Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?

A: Drool.
 
• Q: What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?

A: A drummer.
 
• Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. There’s machines that can do that now.
 
• Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

• Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A: A-flat minor.

• Q: Why don’t sax players like playing soprano?

A: There’s no place to hide their drugs.
 
• Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Five. One to do it, and four to comment on how David Sanborn would have done it.
 
• Q: How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth?

A: All of them.
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?

A: You can tune a lawnmower. And, the neighbors care if you don’t return it.
 
• Q: What’s the difference between a chainsaw and a baritone sax?

A: The exhaust.

• Q: What’s the range of a tuba?

A: Twenty yards, if you’ve got a good arm.
 
• Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?

A: With a “tuba” glue, of course!

• Q: Why are violas larger than violins?

A: They’re not. The violist's head is smaller.
 
• Three violin makers have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: “We make the best violins on the block.”

• Q: What does New Age music sound like played backwards?

A: New Age music.

• Diminished Fifth - An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
• Perfect Fifth - A full bottle of Jack Daniels
• Ritard - There’s one in every family
• Relative Major - An uncle in the Marine Corps
• Relative Minor - A girlfriend
• Big Band - When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
• Pianissimo - “Refill this beer bottle”
• Repeat - What you do until they just expel you
• Treble - Women ain’t nothin’ but
• Bass - The things you run around in softball
• Portamento - A foreign country you've always wanted to see
• Conductor - The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
• Arpeggio - “Ain’t he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?”
• Tempo - Good choice for a used car
• A 440 - The highway that runs around Nashville
• Transpositions - Men who wear dresses
• Cut Time - Parole
• Order of Sharps - What a wimp gets at the bar
• Passing Tone - Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
• Middle C - The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
• Perfect Pitch - The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
• Tuba - A compound word: “Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!”
• Cadenza - That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
• Whole Note - What’s due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
• Clef - What you try never to fall off of
• Bass Clef - Where you wind up if you do fall off
• Altos - Not to be confused with “Tom's toes,” “Bubba's toes” or “Dori-toes”
• Minor Third - Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
• Melodic Minor - Loretta Lynn’s singing dad
• 12-Tone Scale - The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
• Quarter Tone - What most standard pickups can haul
• Sonata - What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
• Clarinet - Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
• Cello - The proper way to answer the phone
• Bassoon - Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
• French Horn - Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
• Cymbal - What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
• Bossa Nova - The car your foreman drives
• Time Signature - What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
• First Inversion - Grandpa’s battle group at Normandy
• Staccato - How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
• Major Scale - What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: “Damn! That was a major scale!”
• Aeolian Mode - How you like Mama’s cherry pie
• Bach Chorale - The place behind the barn where you keep the horses

Return to George’s Place

Do you have any jokes about steel drum players?