ACADEMIC

Oh to be an academic

and have my brains removed

To forget what common sense is

and just be downright rude

To wear my glasses on the end of my nose

Fixed by a dangling chain

or wear my hair up in a bun

and give my students pain

The men must wear a beard

So the deaf can’t understand

a bloody word their saying

but results they still demand

A pocket full of pencils

Trousers at half-mast

You surely must have seen them

in your dark and dismal past

The women act so cranky

with dresses from Age Concern

They talk a little plummy

but expect you still to learn

How many “erm’s” can you count in the lecture?

How many times does she scratch her head?

Does he keep checking his flies are fastened?

Oh the things that all lecturers dread

Pockets full of chalk

Calliper rules

and Powerpoint projection

are the academic tools

To be an academic

you need a PhD

but worry not, as most of them

are still on ABC

Any resemblance to anyone alive or dead is intentional

You know who you are!