Jokes And Funnies!

CLASSIFIED
Pumpkin explode Osama Bin Laden code name operation pumpkin. This will only be performed by Special Operations and C.I.A. operative Little Dozer. C.I.A. didn't know where Osama Bin Laden is so they called in Little Dozer which has the ability to track and kill terrorists in her dreams. SO BEWARE TERRORIST OSAMA BIN LADEN. Everything's been recorded by the C.I.A.'s spy satellites.

Take a look at the first time use of the M.O.A.P.B. (Mother of All Pumpkin Bombs). Laser guided and top secret. It's first use in a decapitation attack on Osama Bin Laden. Take a look at the video feed.

Operation Pumpkin (M.O.A.P.B.)

Little Dozer seen that the M.O.A.P.B. was unsuccessful she pushed the eject button. Poor camel. Osama's not getting away from Littler Dozer. She's going to use the high explosive pumpkin grenade launcher and blow him out of his cave. NOTHING SURVIVES!

Operation Pumpkin Grenade Launcher

Later DNA test confirmed Little Dozer never fails!

Bad Day!!! - This guy had a really bad day! It is really funny I think though!!! REALLY FUNNY!!!

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I"m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me and Ark.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for the Ark. "OK" said Noah trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain,"thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah", shouted the Lord, "Where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed to wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owl. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters making prevailing wage working on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Midget Lesbian Blue-Eyed Left Handed Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years." Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No, said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the gas man was dead on their porch.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

Bad Baby

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn.  When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911." 

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.  Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.  Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Conner was born.

The paramedic lifted him by the little feet and spanked him on his bottom.  Conner began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. 

Katelyn quickly responded,  "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.  Smack him again!"