SITUATION ONE
You've prepared a lengthy briefing to be given to the
chief executive officer (CEO) proposing ideas which will increase production by
200 percent. The success of this briefing would mean an immediate promotion as well as substantial monetary
reward. In the middle of your briefing, the CEO leans over to look at your notes and spits in your coffee.
You:
(a) Smile and take a large sip.
(b) Ask to see the results of his latest HIV test.
(c) Take a piss in his "OUT" basket.
SITUATION TWO
You're having lunch with the
CEO, talking about what could be your biggest accomplishment of the year. During the conversation, a blonde walks into the restaurant.
She's so stunning that you draw your companion's attention to her, giving a vivid description of what you'd like to do if you had her in your
motel room. She walks over to your table and introduces herself as your
CEO's daughter. Your next move is to:
(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
(b) Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
(c) Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for the best.
SITUATION THREE
You are giving a briefing to a group of
high-ranking businessmen in the plushest office you have ever seen. The hot
enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating a severe pressure.
You lose control of your sphincter and break wind in a most convincing manner, causing three water tumblers to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
What you should do next is:
(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point at the closest person and accuse him of the act.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
SITUATION FOUR
You are at a high-level luncheon when you are suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable desire
to pick your nose. Remembering that this is definitely a No-No, you:
(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and, with one fluid motion,
bury your forefinger in your nostril up to the fourth joint.
(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to the one who
makes his nose bleed first.
(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and, when you bend over to pick it up, blow your nose in your sock.
SITUATION FIVE
You've just spent the evening with your
friends at an all-night boiler-maker drinking party. You get home just in time to go to work.
You stagger into the men's room and spend the next half hour worshipping at the porcelain altar.
As you are washing up at the sink, the CEO walks up, blows his cigar in your face and asks you to join him for drinks.
You:
(a) Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsion at the
lapels of his brand new Armani.
(b) Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the fact that he'll never recognize your green
face.
(c) Grasp his hand and pump it until he pisses his pants.
SITUATION SIX
You're at dinner with the
CEO and his wife who looks like the regional runner-up for the Phyllis Diller look-a-like contest.
Halfway through dinner you feel a hand on your lap. Being resourceful, you:
(a) Accidentally spill scalding hot coffee in your lap.
(b) Slip a note to the waiter to have the CEO paged and see if the hand goes away when
he does.
(C) Excuse yourself and go to the men's room. If she follows, don't come out until your
shorts rot.
SITUATION SEVEN
You're on your way to an important meeting in the CEO's office when your zipper breaks and you discover that you forgot to put your underpants on that morning. You decide to:
(a) Call on the CEO's secretary instead.
(b) Explain with a lisp that you were just cruising for queers.
(c) Buy a baggy raincoat and head for the nearest playground.
SITUATION EIGHT
You've just returned from a business trip to San Francisco and tell the boss that nobody but whores, queers, and football players live there. He mentions that his wife's from San Francisco. You:
(a) Ask him which position she played.
(b) Ask him if she's still working the streets.
(c) Tell him that you fell on your head a number of times as a child.
SITUATION NINE
You rush to catch the closing doors of the elevator only to find the CEO and his secretary already in the elevator and going to the 22nd floor. You're delighted to be riding with the boss, but the six-pack of beer and the anchovy pizza you had last night are just beginning to get to you. As the elevator passes the third floor, you silently pass gas, the smell of which would gag a maggot. You:
(a) Push 4 and get off.
(b) Tell the boss's secretary that if she's sick, she should go to the hospital.
(c) Shout "Gas Attack!" and cover your face with a handkerchief.
SITUATION TEN
In the men's room you accidentally piss on your light-colored trousers and know the stain will be painfully obvious. To avoid embarrassment you:
(a) Wait at the wash basin until someone you know comes in and then you splash water on your
trousers with much cursing.
(b) Wet your trousers from top to bottom in the wash basin so they're the same color all over.
(c) Wait until someone uses the urinal next to you and piss on his trousers so you'll both look stupid.